Ah, Valentine’s Day. There’s nothing like a commercially manufactured holiday to remind you that you are probably going to die cold and alone. Yet, it could be worse, a bad date is much worse than no date and think about all the horrific dates populating the various comic book universes. So on Valentine’s Day, do yourself a favor, pop in a Doctor Who marathon, grab the adult beverage of your choice and enjoy your life, because a date with any of these monsters, sociopaths, killers and menaces to society would certainly be a worse prospect than an evening alone.
Created by Jim Starlin
First Appearance: Iron Man #55 (Marvel, 1973)
You ever been on one of those dates where all the other person can talk about is his or her ex? Now imagine that experience if their EX WAS DEATH! Yes, Thanos loves Death. In the Infinity Gauntlet series, he murdered half the universe as a love gift to his chosen. Imagine he becomes smitten with you; do you want to be responsible for universal genocide? Sure, Thanos is a big deal movie star after he shocked the world by popping up unexpectedly at the end of Avengers, but is it worth it? Who the heck wants to be the rebound relationship after someone dates the Grim Reaper? It’s not even Neil Gaiman’s adorable Death from Sandman; it’s that Kate Moss looking robed thing that floats around the Marvel Universe looking all pallid and final.
Created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby
First Appearance: Tales of Suspense #93 (Marvel, 1967)
His name stands for the Mechanical Organism Designed Only for Killing. You’re not dating M.O.D.O.R., the Mechanical Organism Designed Only for Romance. He’s a cybernetic killing machine, but mostly he resembles a really angry hydrocephalic baby… with lasers. Plus, he’s immoral, so you know he’s planning to kill everyone you love just in the hopes to get to second base. You want to enjoy Valentine’s Day? Don’t let a giant craniumed killing machine get to second base with you. You know he’s gonna want a lap dance and he doesn’t even have a lap. Plus, he’s the head (hee, hee) of a major terrorist organization sworn to scientific mastery of the world, so you know he’s a workaholic.
Created by Andrew Kreisberg and David Baron
First Appearance: Green Arrow/Black Canary #15 (DC, 2009)
Can’t have a Valentine’s Day without Cupid, but this Cupid won’t shoot you in the heart with a heart tipped arrow, she’ll just shiv you in the kidney. Carrie Cutter was a spurned wife who volunteered for a military experiment that amplified her every emotion. Mostly the spurned part. She fell in love with Green Arrow and tried to kill Black Canary for daring to be the other woman (despite the fact she was married to the Emerald Archer at the time). Cupid is a perfect example of the hotness to crazy ratio; meaning the more attractive a woman, the more violent the crazy. She is a highly trained war veteran and even though she fills out her revealing suit nicely, fellas, please think with you head. She might give you the night of your life, but be certain; it will be the last night of your life.
7. Emma Frost
Created by Chris Claremont and John Byrne
First appearance: Uncanny X-Men #129 (Marvel, 1980)
I know guys, one look at Emma’s assets and you think you’ve hit the jackpot. But this girl knows what you are thinking at all times and looking at her trademark white dominatrix gear you know what you will be thinking. Do you really want a woman who can lobotomize you with a mere thought to see the cesspool that is your sexual fantasyland? Plus, she is married to neo-mutant terrorist Scott Summers who pals around with the most dangerous mutants on Earth. One straying eyeball to Emma’s ample cleavage and it’s certain death for any man hoping to woo this ice queen. Even if it works out, it’s almost guaranteed you will be stepped on by Sentinel.
Created by Stan Lee, Roy Thomas, Gerry Conway and Gary Morrow
First Appearance: Savage Tales #1 (Marvel, 1971)
I know any woman would be happy to be with a Giant Size Man-Thing for Valentine’s Day, but that title may be misleading. Man-Thing is a mindless pile of vegetation. All men have trouble communicating, but ‘ol salad puss here is effectively lobotomized. Unlike most men, he IS in touch with emotions. As a matter of fact, that is the only way to communicate with Manny, as the mute creature is highly empathic. It’s nice to meet a man who is in touch with feelings, but let’s not get crazy, the dude is made of compost. And ladies, do you have even a small fear of commitment? Then stay away from Man-Thing, because WHATEVER KNOWS FEAR BURNS AT THE MAN-THING’S TOUCH.
5. Silver Surfer
Created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby
First appearance: Fantastic Four #48 (Marvel, 1966)
Sure, he’s sleek, brave, noble and angelic. The first date will seem compelling, what with the whisking away on his surfboard to show you all of the cosmos and places beyond reality, but the dude is depressing. He willingly exiled himself from his home world to save it from Galactus. Then, he surfed around the galaxy, looking for planets for his master to eat. Rule #1: Don’t date a man who has a master. Rule #2: never date a man with that huge a pariah complex. “You think your day was hard, I once condemned an entire race of people to be brunch for a giant cosmic entity in a gladiator skirt.” All this emotional baggage and he doesn’t even seem to have the necessary parts to make with the nookie and he’s always going on about Shall-Bal, the ex he left behind. Rule #3: Never allow yourself to be a castrated pariah’s rebound.
4. Harley Quinn
Created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm
First Appearance: Batman Adventures #12 (DC, 1993)
Speaking of rebounds. This lady may be hot, she may have a good sense of humor, she may give you the night of your life, she may sew your lips shut and steal your pancreas just for giggles. Seriously, do you really want to deal with the jealous ex for daring to date his puddin’? You might enjoy a fun evening, but you will wake up in a dark alley, surrounded by the Gotham City Police Department with a huge, rictus grin etched on your dead face. If the Joker doesn’t get you, Harley isn’t exactly playing with a full deck of Pokemon cards herself. Plus, she’s an ex psychologist, so she’ll point out all YOUR private little issues before she caves your head in with a mallet.
3. Superior Spider-Man
Sort of created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby; Superiorized by Dan Slott (Marvel, 2012)
First Appearance: Amazing Spider-Man #3 (Marvel, 1963) and Amazing Spider-Man #700 (Marvel, 2012)
Peter Parker is a catch. He’s the most loyal guy you’ll ever meet, one of the most popular heroes in the multiverse, brilliant, handsome and funny. Yes, he’s a bit nerdy and his career as Spider-Man will mean many nights alone, but at the end of the day what a guy, right? Except now, he’s possessed by the mind of Dr. Octopus. That’s right, Dr. Octopus’ leering, Moe Howard looking head is thinking all sorts of lascivious thoughts in Peter’s cranium. Yuck. Even without four metal arms, you can bet Ock will be all hands as the super villain tries to dominate YOU. Damn!
Created by Stan Lee and Bill Everett
First Appearance: Daredevil #1 (Marvel, 1964)
Who doesn’t want to bag a lawyer? Am I right, ladies? But rest assured, if you go on a date with Matt Murdock, you will die. The only lady friend of Daredevil’s to escape romance unscathed was the Black Widow. Are you a highly trained rogue Russian super-agent? No? Your work at Sunglass Hut, ain’t going to cut it, toots. Look at the track record… Liz Allen, dead. Elektra Natchios? Dead, resurrected by a ninja cult, kidnapped and replaced by Skrulls. Milla Donovon? Driven insane by Mr. Fear and institutionalized. He may be one hell (get it?) of a guy, but it’s just not worth it.
1. The Flash
Created by: John Kaninger, John Broome and Carmine Infantino
First appearance: Showcase #4 (DC, 1956)
The fastest man alive, ‘nuff said.
And we’re out; enjoy the microwave popcorn and Breaking Bad marathon on the 14th, ladies and germs. Do not despair, as you can see, it can get a whole lot worse.