10 tips for surviving a slasher movie

Eric of BloodyGoodHorror.com has come up with some tips to survive a horror movie ... how would you fare?

Jason

The following are some general rules/suggestions to abide by if you want to survive a slasher movie. Read on to assess your chances…

10) If you turn the corner and your chunky prankster friend is lying in a pool of his own blood, don’t scream, he’s just faking it. Unless of course he’s already pulled this prank once today, in that case, yeah, he’s dead… and so are you.

9) If you wander around a room for 5 minutes looking for a strange noise only to be startled by a cat…. don’t pick it up. Oh, too late? Well, don’t be alarmed because there’s probably going to be blood on it. No, don’t pet… okay, that’s not ketchup, it’s actually what’s left of your boyfriend.

8) I don’t care that you don’t have insurance and Dr. Giggles has really low co-pays, there’s just something not right about that guy.

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7) I know it looks cool, but you’re probably better off if you skip the clown costume this Halloween. Come to think of it you should probably skip the Witch, Pumpkin and Skeleton masks too. I’m sick of that damn commercial anyways. Turn it back to the news so I can see what happened to Stonehenge.

6) That hot cheerleader may want your nuts, but trust me, it’s not worth it. Imagine getting an STD that somehow causes your heart to be splayed open by a machete wielding maniac… you’ll be wishing she gave you genital warts.

5) If your town has a legend of a prolific serial killer and your parents tell you that it’s “all made up”, your parents are assholes. Feel free to blame your death directly on them.

4) I don’t care how many boxing fights/wrestling matches/football games/circle jerks you’ve been in, DO NOT try and fight off the killer with your bare hands. It will probably end up with your head being punched clear off your shoulders and landing in a nearby dumpster. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen.

2) If the kids at school tell you that one of your relatives is “The Boogeyman,” they’re probably right. And you probably deserved to get tripped and laughed at, because your dysfunctional family is the reason they’re going to die.

2) If you ever played a prank on an unsuspecting loser when you were a child, and said prank in any way involved the revealing of his baby-penis to all of your classmates and/or ended in “everyone laughing” at him/her… you might as well kill yourself now because it will probably hurt less than what he/she will do to you at your prom, class reunion, birthday, New Years Eve, Valentine’s day or Graduation party. I’m just saying.

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1) If you’re a cute virginal girl who gets good grades and is missing one or more parental figures (or you happen to be Brian Glazer) it turns out you’re actually going to be okay. You may, however, want to start picking your new friends now… only I wouldn’t tell anyone who they’re going to be just yet, wouldn’t want to jinx it!Find the excellent BloodyGoodHorror website by clicking here