10 movie reasons not to take the boat

Hollywood can inspire you to do lots of things... but it can also scare you silly about other things. Going on boats is the latter, thanks in no small part to these ten movies

Ghost Ship

We’ve already discussed, on this site, ten reasons not to take the plane, but if you’ve got some long distance travelling to do and you have to cross a body of water, you’ve got to do it somehow, right? Boats, though, might start to seem like an even less attractive option if you’ve watched this little lot…

1. TitanicBased on the real-life disaster, the movie really made the prospect of going on a long sea journey unappealing – particularly if the onboard entertainment featured a Celine Dion impersonator, or, worse, the real thing. A repeat of a sinking like that of the Titanic is highly unlikely nowadays, because changes have since been made to the way boats are designed and to the procedures in place with regards to approaching icebergs, but the all-too-real terror and heartbreak in this movie is enough to put anyone off venturing out to sea further than they could plausibly swim back.

2. Speed 2: Cruise Control Granted, this could also be used as a warning against watching half-baked sequels, and against starring in them, actually, if you’re Sandra Bullock, but the idea that someone could hack into a ship’s on-board navigation system and cause it to drive uncontrollably towards an obstacle – whether that’s a tanker, the mainland, or the classic iceberg – is pretty scary.

Another handy hint for would-be sea-travellers that both Titanic and Speed 2 have to offer, though: don’t carry around any super-valuable diamonds, or other precious stones. They’ll only cause trouble.

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3. Storm Warning Lessons to be learned from Storm Warning: don’t go out on a boat into the middle of nowhere when there’s a storm on the way. Don’t keep going even when you know you’re going to get lost and stranded. Once lost and stranded, don’t approach the nearest tumbledown house to ask for help. When you see that no-one’s home, don’t break into said house. When you’ve broken into the house and the owners get home, count their teeth, and if they only have twelve between the three of them, don’t take them up on their kind offer of an outdoor shower. Don’t go into the barn. Don’t let them pick up a knife. Don’t… oh, forget it, if you’ve got this far you might as well just kill yourself now. Smart people: don’t take the boat out in the first place.

4. Mean Creek Going out on the water with your friends on a hot summer day is lovely, but if you’re the insecure town bully, maybe you just shouldn’t go. Stay on land. It’s much safer.

5. Open Water Never, ever go out on a scuba diving trip with people who can’t count. Sharks will get you.

6. Black Water Never, ever go out on a fishing trip with people who aren’t professional boat hire guys. Crocodiles will get you.

7. Adrift Never, ever go out on a swimming trip with your moronic friends who can’t remember to let down a goddamn ladder onto the boat. Especially if you’re aquaphobic. Actually, half of these movies are less reasons not to take the boat than reasons not to associate with such powerfully stupid people, but at least on dry land you can get away from them quite easily.

8. Ghost Ship There are at least three movies with this title in existence, but I’ve only seen one of them. Nonetheless, should you find yourself in a situation where you could board a ship that no-one’s ever heard of, or that you have heard of but it disappeared several decades ago despite extensive searches having been carried out, and no-one seems to be alive on it, your desire to discover long lost treasure should probably not exceed your desire to carry on living. Razor wire, too, is best avoided.

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9. Death Ship There’s more than one of these, too, which probably throws out the numerical part of this “10 reasons…” list, but if the prospect of death by drowning, death by crashing, death by rednecks, death by bullies, death by sharks or death by crocodiles somehow wasn’t enough to put you off going on boats – how does death by Nazi ghost strike you? No, thought not.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean If Captain Jack Sparrow had just chosen a more land-based career, he never would have had to put up with his crew dumping him on a desert island after a mutiny. Nor would he have had to put up with the company of the terminally whiny Orlando Bloom. The only real plus to a pirate’s life is getting to consume vast quantities of not very high quality rum. Well, that, and being allowed to have a cute pet monkey. Aww.

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