You know what I feel like doing? Performing foot surgery on Barbie. But there probably isn’t a game that will let me do that, so I guess I’ll just stick Sonic The Hedgehog on again. Oh wait, what’s that? There is a Barbie foot surgery simulator? Terrific!
This, I’m 100% sure, is what goes through the mind of every little girl as she opens up Google. That, and ‘Why do all my friends have boobs and I don’t? It’s not fair!’
Although I’m 30 years old and have started to say things like ‘Why don’t we go to DFS this weekend?’, deep down I’m still about ten, and as such I feel perfectly qualified to write about the myriad games on offer for girls.
If you Google ‘games for girls’, the internet becomes a strange and terrifying place, filled with big eyed cartoon women and tweezers for cleaning out Shrek’s ears. Because I’m such a dedicated, self-sacrificial writer, I decided to delve into the underworld of cheaply made Flash games aimed at girls. This is what I unearthed during my quest…
1. Job Hunt
Before I continue, I should point out that gamesforgirls.com has a separate section for ‘fun’ games, implying the other games are no such thing. They are right.
Here’s the game – in an annoying and repetetive cut scene, you look in the fridge and your purse, to discover they’re both empty, then start scanning the local rag for jobs. Since you’re a girl, there are only two jobs available – air hostess and gym instructor. I plump for air hostess, since apparently there’s ‘no experience required’.
Now we get down to it – securing the job. How do we go about this? Go on, have a guess. No, we don’t offer sexual favours to the boss, but we do get to do the next best thing – choosing an outfit to wear! This is the outfit I went for:
When your character has managed to dress herself, you apparently win. There are then two options – play again, or kill yourself.
2. My Favourite Sweater
With theme music that sounds like it was written by James Blunt, My Favourite Sweater is the dullest game known to man. The object of the game is, once again, to get yourself dressed without dying or exploding. I sort of managed it, even though I forgot my shoes…
Also, notice the complete lack of a sweater? This game lies.
3. Mind Your Manners Tea Party
Hosted by Strawberry Shortcake, I’m guessing with no permission whatsoever from owner American Greetings. In this action packed game, you get to host a tea party with your equally braindead friends, and you have to pass them cakes, since they’re too lazy to get the cakes themselves, despite being sat less than a foot away from each cake.
Also, each character has a life bar. I don’t know what these mean, but I assume that if you stop passing cakes to your friends, they all die. Good.
4. Father And Daughter Ride Bike
This is Father And Daughter Ride Bike:
It is somehow your job to put some clothes on the daughter, after she’s left the house.
5. Let Us Kiss
Oh, apparently it’s now called Sneaky Kissing. I assume you have to run up behind strangers and lick their necks.
I’m wrong. What you actually have to do is get off with your knuckle dragging boyfriend while making sure no one sees you. I don’t know what that circle on the ground is for, perhaps it’s a portal to hell –
If someone spots you kissing your boyfriend, you die. However, if you manage to do enough secret sexing, you win, and your reward is the chance to get off with your boyfriend in other parts of town. I don’t know what these other parts are – I lost.
6. Barbie Foot Surgery
You thought I was joking didn’t you? Regrettably, I wasn’t. You really can mend the broken tibia of everyone’s favourite multi-tasking diva! This is every girl’s dream.
Barbie has presumably been injured trying to walk and think at the same time, and you must repair both her fractured leg and her fractured ego. You are guided through the experience by a nurse with a less than sterling grasp of English –
Not only that, but the breaking of her shin has inexplicably caused Barbie’s heart to stop beating or something, so you only have five minutes to repair her leg! On which, presumably her heart will miraculously recover.
I can see why people need years and years at medical school. This is difficult.
Capricorn is a game in which I have precisely no idea what to do. It’s all in a foreign language. But I bet you have to get dressed at some point.
Well whaddaya know, I was right!
When your character is fully dressed, you win. Even if your character isn’t fully dressed, like when you forget her pants, you still win. Why is this game called Capricorn?
8. Halloween Girls Kissing
This game has a strange and intricate plot. Because of magic and reasons, someone comes along and decides to turn your boyfriend into a girl. You must then kiss this girl in order to turn her back into your boyfriend, so he can sit there grunting and reading The Sunday Sport.
It gets harder – again for reasons, the sod from earlier has decided to also create a row of decoy girls, and either you have to figure out which one is really your boyfriend, or you have to kiss them all. Details are sketchy at this point, because I gave up playing and went to read Viz on the toilet instead.
9. Royal Baby Tooth Problems
What the hell has that kid been eating, coal? Whatever, it’s apparently my job to fix his mouth.
I like this game because first I get to shine a torch straight into the kid’s eyes, which is helpful –
After that, it’s just dentistry. I’ve never really been a dentist, so I’m not sure what I’m doing. I wish I had that nurse from earlier to help me. Also, there’s a squirrel sat on the table over there. I can’t imagine that’s hygienic.
With the squirrel looking on, you have to do an assortment of disgusting things such as cleaning the crap off the kid’s teeth, before giving up altogether and just pulling them all out, which renders all the other stuff a bit pointless.
10. Naughty Air Hostess
I would like to point out two things. Firstly, this is supposed to be aimed at small children. Secondly, this game is featured in the category called ‘Job Games’.
Okay, this appears to be some kind of point and click game, set in an alternate universe that I never, ever want to visit. I think the air hostess in the corner is supposed to be you, although you also control everything and are omnipresent, which makes my head hurt.
The first thing you have to do, as God, is embarrass the air hostess (you?) by making that kid run over and start groping her. This happens in front of a ‘hot guy’, who just stands there, looking like he’s getting off on it.
At no point yet has the air hostess been naughty. I would suggest that a better title for this game is ‘Hugely inappropriate behaviour – where the hell are his parents?’
Find more from Jenny at her website, World Of Crap.
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