I started this regular column complaining about franchises that just don’t know when to die. But now I’m going to be a massive hypocrite: I’m currently over the moon about the news that my favourite horror franchise, bar none, has just announced a fourth instalment!
The title has probably already given away the fact that I’m talking about Final Destination, so I won’t drag this out any longer. Yup, Final Destination 4 is going to become a reality, and to make things even better, David R. Ellis is signed on to direct.
The same David R. Ellis who directed Snakes on a Plane, that is.
And just to pile another cherry onto my already fairly cherry-laden cake of excitedness, Final Destination 4 is apparently going to be shot in 3D.
If you’re me, it’s hard to imagine a film you’d be more excited about seeing. If you’re not me, though, you might need some convincing, or indeed an explanation for the fact that I’m singing the praises of a fluffy teen horror movie that isn’t even scary. (Though if you don’t like Final Destination 3, I really don’t know what’s wrong with you.) So, I’ll explain myself.
I didn’t like Final Destination the first time I saw it. I thought it was a load of nonsense that tried too hard to justify a plot which was, frankly, complete and utter bobbins. The Mousetrap-style death scenes were awesome, though. Final Destination 2 added a whole new layer of nonsense to the franchise, with backwards logic winning the day (“Oh, no, Death’s angry because we’re still alive when we shouldn’t be and we’ve thrown the scales out of whack! Quick: REPRODUCE!” Sorry, kids, the way to actually solve that problem would have been to kill someone, not create more life that isn’t supposed to exist to unbalance the scales even further. Argh!).
Final Destination 3 was the tipping point. The rules had already been laid out, there was no room for endless exposition, and all that mattered were the crazily elaborate death scenes. And silliness. And gore. And it was great. Okay, sure, it’s hardly going to go down in history as the Best Horror Movie Of Our Time or anything, but it’s really good fun. Somehow, enjoying Final Destination 3 made everything fall into place for me. I could ignore the lack of logic of the first two movies and instead just enjoy the gleefulness of them. And glee is something David R. Ellis has proven, beyond doubt, that he understands; in less joyful hands, Snakes on a Plane could have been tedious beyond words, but as it is, well, it’s awesome.
So roll on, Final Destination 4. May you be full of nonsense and backwards logic and characters who only exist in order to have something improbable fall on their heads mid-sentence.
If you’re still not convinced, I’ve created a Final Destination drinking game that ought to get you through it (or even all four movies, back to back, though you’d get alcohol poisoning) unscathed:
Take one drink when:
– The number 180 appears- Any of the death scenes are actually bloodthirsty enough to make you wince- Any of the characters points out how insane it all is- Any time any character acknowledges that they’re in a movie- Any scripted joke is actually funny (“Fuck you, Ben Franklin” makes me laugh myself sick, for example)- Any time anything makes you want to punch the air victoriously
Take two drinks when:
– You either see or hear Tony Todd- You recognise any of the actors from any other projects- Any of the characters acknowledges that they’re in a sequel
And drink everything in sight if: anyone in authority believes a single thing one of the main characters tells them.