The Crawling Ear Column: Sex Seniors & Weirdos

James isn't impressed that the Sex Pistols are still alive - that's no reason for a reunion, surely? There are some punk acts that could make a comeback, though

Sex Pistols

What’s this poppycock/malarkey/balderdash I’ve been hearing about the Sex Pistols getting back together again for the umpteenth time? Something about Anarchy in the U.K. being in the latest edition of Guitar Hero? Sheesh, these guys will use any excuse to shamelessly flaunt the fact they’re all still alive. Come on, fellas. Larry Hagman hasn’t kicked it yet, but you don’t see him hootin’ and hollerin’ every time his name comes up on Wheel of Fortune. We’re all very impressed you’ve evaded the Grim Reaper thus far. Now how about using your remaining time wisely and maybe getting started on the second album? It’s only been thirty years.

I actually caught the old yobs when they appeared on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson last month. The only cool one left is Paul Cook. Rotten has become a catchphrase spouting man-child, Jonesy’s checked into the Dan Akroyd School of Bloat, and Glenn Matlock’s haircut suggests he’s out trolling for fourteen year-old girls. Thankfully, Paul remains the pint-sized non-entity he always was, holding the band together with his precise, powerful drumming and occasional charming smile. He’s the kilt-wearing Charlie Watts, which is exactly what the other three creaking loonies in the Pistols need. God save ya, Cookie. Here’s to being the last Pistol standing (or sitting, in your case).

While we’re on the subject of punk bands circa the Cretaceous Period, indulge me for a bit on L.A.’s legendary Weirdos. Bomp! Records just re-released the first Weirdos single Destroy All Music, packaged with the group’s 1979 Who, What, When, Where, Why? EP. This has given the rock world pause to reconsider yet another Golden State band floppy-haired skate punks love to champion. Personally, I don’t get it. These guys have always sounded rather generic to me, like the kind of crap they’d throw on an episode of CHiPs to scare old people and Republicans. The Weirdos have pep, sure, but they’re lacking something (the gleeful abandon of a Germs, the extreme nature of a Fear, the artistic flair of an X, etc). I need a little more to convince me they’re the real thing and not just a bunch of out-of-work actors.

I can’t dismiss the Weirdos entirely, though, mainly because of their frenzied musical question Why Do You Exist? It’s an infectious two minutes of fiery spit and slobber. Zippy riffing lays the groundwork for a ferocious attack on some poor hated soul (“You’re the product of a fuck and your mom and dad are too/it was really only luck when it came to havin’ you” – singer John Denney barely gets that mouthful out before each chorus). The whole thing is catchy as hell and unnecessarily cruel, exactly how I like my punk. Completely worth the price of admission to this repackaged Weirdos spectacle, which is conveniently titled Destroy All Music. I can only surmise a reunion is on the horizon (the ‘Dos last regrouped in 2004).

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Tell me, why is it that none of the truly incredible and monumental punk groups ever reunite? Where’s the Sniveling Shits reunion? How about the Cancerous Reagans? Johnny & the Self Abusers? The Hugh Beaumont Experience? Cleopatra’s Vagina? These are the chaotic assemblies the world is truly dying to experience again. Honestly, if we could at the very least get Dow Jones & the Industrials to reform, our stupid civilization would finally be getting somewhere and maybe, just maybe, it would motivate Pudgy Rotten and the Sex Seniors to start work on their sophomore effort, Better Late Than Never: More Songs Featuring British Slang & Abbreviations Americans Won’t Understand. I’ve got my fingers crossed.

Bumblefuck. That’s another good one. They were a little on the metal side, though.