I guess that the only real rule of going to an independent wrestling show is “move.” Move when a wrestler asks you to move. Move when you think you are about to get hit. Move if you don’t want blood on you. Move. My friends were expecting more of a speech, but it’s about all I had. When you’ve been to countless shows, wrestling crowds are second nature.This was not the case for my 2 friends. Jesse had been to a WWF show once, (“WWF” should probably tip you off to how long ago that was) and Brittany, well, Brittany doesn’t know Bruno Sammartino from David Sammartino. I was driving the car down to Philadelphia (Northern Philadelphia…I didn’t want to scare them that bad) for Tommy Dreamer’s House of Hardcore II. It was sort of a perfect introduction to independent wrestling, some great talent in a big, air-conditioned room. As many of you know, “big” and “air-conditioned” are two luxuries that most independent wrestling fans have learned to do without.We arrived early for an advertised Fanfest. This served as a good opportunity to point out some of the wrestlers beforehand, and for Brittany to adjust to the smell. All the legends were there! Terry Funk! Ric Flair! Rick and Scott Steiner! That girl from OKCupid who I messaged because of her Miz shirt thinking it was an easy in!It’s cool that she stopped talking to me, since “things got crazy after Wrestlemania” is the best excuse I’ve ever gotten. Regardless of my failed internet courting, the show would soon begin and in turn, the real fun.Now, on most websites this would be simply a recap of the event, but forget that. If results were all you wanted, you would have read it a week ago and paid for the VOD feed on the official website. Here I offer you something different, something that has never been presented anywhere in the world (no, I can’t actually back up that claim) and something much funnier. Ladies and Gentlemen, Marks and Smarks, I present to you… Indy Wrestling Show through the eyes of the uninitiated! (photos courtesy of HoH’s Facebook page)Pre-Show Match #16-Man Tag Featuring HoH Students and Danny DoringThe students were pretty rough but luckily my friends didn’t seem to care. No, I was not able to really explain why Danny Doring was important. One of the students, whose name I will not bother to find, had funny little man boobs. This was the focus of most of my friends’ attention. They were quite distracting. Doring got the pin.Pre-Show Match #2HoH Students Singles MatchThese two were in much better shape than the previous students, and it was obvious why they got the singles match nod. The Face was a typical athletic type while the Heel was a big man, a little overweight but clearly working on his physique. Oh, and he wore Bam Bam-Esque attire, so I was sold. They had a solid if typical match and the heel went over. Then, it happened. From the back comes Spike Dudley! The crowd erupts and Brittany questioned why they were so happy to see this “Small Funny Man”. I explained it was Spike Dudley! The Runt of the Dudley litter! She looked at me like I was speaking Klingon, nodded, and looked away. Then it was on to the actual show…Match #3Crowbar vs. Hale CollinsDidn’t bother talking about this one much, though I’m sure the “Where’s Daphne?” chant must have been confusing. At least Jesse knew what I meant when I said WCW. Crowbar won. Match #4Little Guido vs. Vik DalishisSeeing an opportunity to connect this to the real world, I quickly mentioned to Brittany that Guido was from Nanuet, New York, the town I grew up in, and a place familiar to her. The crowd was firmly behind Little Guido and Brittany inquired why. I explained that he was an old ECW wrestler and that Philadelphia was sort of his hometown. She paused for a moment and said “I thought he was from Nanuet?” I didn’t really have a good answer. Luckily, before I had to explain anything, The Blue Meanie came out! Not the first time he’s saved me from trouble, but that’s a story for another day. Actually, from this point on I didn’t really have to explain much, Meanie was soon followed by The Sandman who ended up tearing a wig off of a valet, beating it with a Kendo stick and then pinning it. That’s something we all can appreciate. This also led to Brittany’s theory that the basic structure of all wrestling matches is as follows: Violence-Talking-Dancing-Violence.I guess that’s not too far off.Match #5Sami Callihan vs. MVPGreat match, no dancing. Not much room for comedy here. Sorry. MVP won.Match #6Mike Bennett w/ Maria vs. Carlito w/ RositaI have to say this first, seeing Maria in person completely affirms that CM Punk has stolen every dream I have ever had. If he gets announced as a writer on an ongoing Batman series, I’ll give up on life. WHY DOES HE GET TO BE FRIENDS WITH RANCID AND H20!? WHERE DID I GO WRONG!? Sorry, I didn’t mean to get so worked up.Anyway, I spent much of this match explaining to Brittany how Maria and Bennett’s constant displays of affection were really a play on the crowd’s sexual insecurities in the face of a dominant male figure. The crowd was pretty loud and I don’t think she heard most of it, but I swear it was genius. Don’t worry, that column is coming up. Anyway, at some point Carlito spit his apple at Maria, a spot seen weekly on Smackdown…in 2005. This began a debate between Brittany and Jesse over what had been spit in the skinny girl’s face. Ideas like popcorn and soda were thrown around, but I assured them it was an apple. When Jesse questioned why Carlito would do such a thing, I responded with the only real answer “Because Carlito spits apples at people.” Carlito won.Match #73-Way Dance Featuring Petey Williams, Tony Nese and Alex ReynoldsGreat match with Williams taking the victory. Didn’t explain much but I felt it was necessary to confirm that they would be wrestling and not dancing.Match #8The Steiner Brothers vs. Homicide and Eddie Kingstonor “Scott Steiner and His Brother vs. The Two Gang Members”. At this point I would like to make it clear to all four combatants that it was not I who coined the latter name, so please do not come to my home and beat me up. I loved LAX, seriously. Steiners took the victory. Match #9John Morrison vs. 2 Cold Scorpio for a title that I didn’t know was on the line until after the matchGuess what? They went about twenty minutes and wrestled for about FIVE. Know what they did the rest of the match? Danced. I guess Brittany was right. Morrison won, and the mothers who were in the front row with their sons rejoiced. No really, there were like five Mother/Son pairs, and I don’t mean kids.Match #10The Young Bucks vs. London and Kendrickor “The Two Gay Guys vs. The Homeless Man and his Best Friend.” An utterly ridiculous match to go along with The Bucks’ utterly ridiculous pants. I explained that the Bucks were really good and that London and Kendrick had been the “real” World Tag Team Champions at one point. This was ignored because Paul London was running around the arena slapping hands at the time. Bucks win. Match #11Tommy Dreamer w/ Terry Funk vs. Lance StormOr “The Man Who Was Carrying His Laptop Around Before w/ An Old Man vs. A Canadian”. We were all pretty exhausted at this point, so I didn’t bother explaining much. Then Terry Funk got in the ring and took his shirt off. Suddenly, Brittany was very concerned. “Why did he take his shirt off? Why are they hitting him?” She exclaimed. Tension filled the scene until X-Pac showed up, at which point I got so excited that in my exclamation of joy I spit right on Jesse’s face! X-Pac! The Kliq! The new World order! Right there! Attacking a 68 year old man for my entertainment! The joy was palpable as X-Pac and his recently repaired anus stormed the squared circle. Soon Tommy won, and cleared the ring. He and many of the performers in the match thanked the crowd.As it ended, my friends and I instinctively stood to leave. Later, I would ask Brittany how she knew the show was over, and she responded with the only logical answer; “The old man put his shirt back on.”Amen. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter for all news updates related to the world of geek. And Google+, if that’s your thing!