A werewolf double bill sounded like the perfect way to spend a Friday night. But before the first few minutes of Big Bad Wolf were over, Craig and I knew it was going to be a cliche-ridden mess. So out came the Southern Comfort – plus a notebook and pen, of course. Drinking games are serious business.
The rules:Take a drink when:- You spot a painfully obvious, horribly contrived plot point coming a mile off- And when it pays out- You spot any tired horror movie cliches
Drink everything if:- Anyone directly references the Three Little Pigs.
Drink! The main character, Derek, steals one of his stepfather’s keys in order to take his friends partying in a cabin in the middle of the woods. His stepfather is going away to a ‘conference’ for the weekend. Obviously, the stepfather is going to show up at the party. Ugh.
Drink! Derek’s friend “Sam” hasn’t shown up yet. You’re supposed to think this is a male friend. It blatantly will be a girl.
Drink! She’s a girl.
Drink! The teenagers encounter Clint Howard on the way to the Horror Movie Cabin. He warns them to stick to the road and stay inside the cabin.
According to the box, Big Bad Wolf features cameos from both Clint Howard and American Werewolf’s David Naughton. At this point, Craig and I take bets on who Naughton will be – he thinks the wolf, I reckon he’ll be some kind of sheriff. Whoever’s right will drink whenever he shows up.
Drink! The teens take “Fire Road 13” to the isolated cabin. There is an unreasonably extended driving scene. Yawn.
Drink! The wolf kills a couple who, for whatever reason, went outside the cabin to have sex. ‘Sex = death’ is pretty much the oldest horror movie cliche in the book. Meanwhile, your attention is drawn to a beartrap inside the cabin.
DRINK EVERYTHING. The wolf has started reciting his traditional lines from the Three Little Pigs. Um, and we’re only 23 minutes into the movie. And, by now, really rather drunk.
The wolf gets in and kills almost everyone very, very quickly. One of the generic supposed-to-be-hot girls, who’s previously said she’ll stay a virgin till she’s married and forcibly fended off her boyfriend when he tries to force the issue, gets raped by the werewolf. I drink again at this point. Quite a lot.
It’s also possibly the worst werewolf costume I’ve ever seen – plus, what’s up with this werewolf’s ability to speak? Urghhhh.
DRINK! David Naughton is the sheriff. Ha, ha, ha. I win.
Oddly enough, the movie has abandoned the isolated cabin and brought the story back to suburbia. Admittedly, I didn’t see this coming…
At 39:50, there’s a shot of a newspaper. It’s possibly the worst fake newspaper I’ve ever seen.
At this point, my notes seem to have become completely incoherent. I can’t imagine why that might be.
Apparently, the stepfather was doing a Jack Nicholson impression. What happened next was that Derek and Sam started to suspect that Derek’s stepfather was the wolf (see, he did show up at the cabin!) and Derek’s uncle Charlie shows up to help them investigate. If they can get a DNA sample, he can have it analysed at the lab. I don’t know which lab. Just the lab. Unfortunately, the stepfather catches Sam when she breaks into his bedroom to steal some hair, and in order to stop him from raping her, she gives him a blowjob, and volunteers the semen as a DNA sample. Without telling Derek.
When the lab results come back, the stepfather steals them (and clearly no-one could maybe call the lab on the phone and ask for the results?) and catches Charlie, tying him up Hostel style in the basement and killing him. Someone get me a straw.
Drink! A high school film crew starts following Derek and Sam around, suspecting they know more about the cabin murders than they’re letting on. But really, these guys have just shown up to provide more cannon fodder. Sigh.
DRINK EVERYTHING! Derek finds out about the DNA sample and blames Sam. Because it wasn’t like she was about to get raped or anything. Everyone goes to the cabin for the big finale: there’s more sexual assault, more stupidity (“let’s just hole up here and wait till morning”?) and another version of Three Little Pigs.
Drink! The beartrap comes out to play.
Drink! The supposedly dead villain comes back to life!
Drink! Derek and Sam get together for no discernible reason.
I suspect from the ending of this movie that the filmmakers fancied their chances of making a sequel. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
In the cold light of day, the alcohol certainly helped, but Big Bad Wolf is a one-star movie, and no amount of Southern Comfort could disguise that. Don’t try this at home.
(Or, actually, do – and send us the results! The address, in case you’ve forgotten, is email@example.com.)