Game of Thrones: What planet is this?

Den of Geek’s gangster freak does his best Mr. Science all over Gang of Thrones. Discovers it’s science fiction.

If the land mass and the weather patterns don’t match, it’s not the Earth. And if it’s not the Earth, it’s another planet. And if it’s another planet, Game of Thrones is science fiction. The people of Casterly Rock don’t fly spaceships or shoot lasers. They’re not robots and they probably don’t have internet access so we can talk about them here and they’ll never know.

Okay. First off, I haven’t read the books, and I’ll also say this comes after trying to catch up on Game of Thrones, which I just started watching in the middle of this season and I came to it muddled and confused.

So, muddled and confused, I went through all the episodes on HBO GO while watching the show move on in real time on Sunday nights. Late nights. I never catch the first showing because I usually watch Nurse Jackie on Showtime (So this doesn’t sound like a commercial for HBO). I finally caught up with the action this weekend when they killed everyone off in what the press is calling the “Red Wedding.” I’m glad they’re dead. You read me? I’m glad. And I hope they kill Jon Snow next, the fucking crow with his bastard honor and pious pride, and his castle and his code. Fuck him and the wolf he rode in on. Great wall my ass. Because of my watching-it-from-both-ends habits, I knew Ned Stark was dead by the time I saw the third episode and I was glad then too. And let me tell you something, when Nucky Thompson shot Jim Darmody in Boardwalk Empire, I fucking cheered. That’s what HBO is all about.

I don’t know why I didn’t watch Game of Thrones from the beginning. If they called it Gang of Thrones, I probably would have been hooked. After all, Rome’s Aventine was the Soprano’s Clifton, New Jersey. So, I was coming at this from a historical perspective. It’s a fantasy. It’s not set in history. So the names of the countries don’t have to correspond to anything Anthony Everett might’ve covered. The land mass also doesn’t correspond to earth’s geography, so this could not take place anywhere on Earth. Possibly northern Europe. This could account for the long winters. But even the “tunnel” in Scandinavia, where they lose daylight for months, doesn’t have winter for years. Still, that’s the closest correspondent to what we have on Earth, because the people of Game of Thorns don’t look like Eskimos. That would make this Scandinavian Sci-fi (Thanks David Crow, who called it “Danish Sci-fi”).

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Climate scientists would better be able to explain the atmospheric conditions that would contribute to such long winters. In the absence of melting ice caps, it would point to a different axis point than Earth. The angle of the axial tilt depends on the plane of the orbit. The more it tilts, the longer the seasons. The longer time under radiative flux from the sun. Longer summers. When the obliquity decreases, winters last longer. If the Earth wasn’t tilted the poles would always be perpendicular to the sun, which would always be visible on the horizon. Forever. Temperature and weather would be stagnant. The planet that is on the show has less tilted poles.

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If Game of Thrones does take place in “Middle Earth,” which implies the equator and not an area that would have winter for eighteen years, it most probably takes place somewhere between the 1200s and the 1400s. The show’s historical references draw from the English War of the Roses, where the Lannisters and Starks are plays on the Lancaster and York families. The 700 foot Wall no one will walk around is probably a play on Hadrian’s Wall, which he only built because he was tired of Roman expansion and those barbaric Brits. Or the Great Wall of China, which was built to keep out the Mongols, which in this case are the Dothraki. Westeros sounds short for western Europe. Essos is a fledgling corporate state that will be ruled by Exxon, which used to be Esso. Ultimately they will absorb the Lannisters in a leveraged buyout. I am not going to speculate on the specific corollaries of the Summer Islands, Qarth, the Jade Gates, Slaver’s Bay, and the Dothraki Sea. I know Winterfell is the northernmost part of the land mass before the Wall and the uncharted area above the Seven Kingdoms.

Taken as a historical allegory it almost works, if you explain away the long winters with the same logic Biblical scholars explain how Methuselah lived to be in his thousands. Months, years, it doesn’t matter, they’re almost interchangeable. Using advanced scientific methods that I won’t get into here due to word count issues, I theorize that the white walkers are the naturally occurring phenomenon found when an untried fantasy series develops without a financially conclusive zombie-quotient in the post Walking Dead-era.

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Except those dragons. What is up with those dragons? As should be evident by now, I am not a fantasy aficionado, so it shouldn’t surprise you that I almost stopped watching Crown of Thrones when they introduced the dragons. But the dragons belong to Daenerys Targaryen, the Dragon MILF, and this was before Emilia Clarke announced she wouldn’t do any more nude scenes. There are legends of dragons throughout Earth’s culture, primarily in the East. Western dragons had wings, arms and legs. Eastern dragons weren’t winged. The dragons on the series are a subcategory of the dragon species called wyverns, which are dragons without arms. The arms are attached to the wings on the series. But there is no anthropological evidence that dragons ever existed on Earth. Certainly not by the time of whatever recorded history Game of Crowns takes place. The fact that Gum of Thongs’ people saw the extinction of dragons in their recorded history is further evidence that the rains of Castamere fall on a distant planet.

Could dragons have developed on Earth? Developmental biology dictates that life follows proscribed morphological patterns. The belief of dragons comes from the marriage of early human’s discovery of dinosaur bones and their fear of fire. Dragons are more of a sociological phenomenon than an anthropological possibility.

And then there’s Edmure Tully, played by Tobias Menzies, who played the equally annoying Brutus in Rome. If he’s not an alien, I’m a fucking dinosaur. Game of Thrones is science fiction.

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