The X-Files was great for throwing up descriptive names of its most mysterious characters, in such a way that we wouldn’t mind a moniker like that ourselves from time to time.

After all, there was Cigarette Smoking Man (aka Spender, not the Jimmy Nail version), the kind of alias you simply wouldn’t take online (these days it’d be FagSmoker2948). And let’s not forget Well Manicured Man, an amazingly brilliant name for a shadowy character. No ‘Extremely Dangerous Man’ or anything like that. No, it’s the manicured look that does it…

With all this in mind, we’ve come up with some suggestions for other movie and TV figures, should they ever make it into X-Files waters…

Eddie Murphy IS Once Funny Man

Seth Rogen IS Not Very Well Manicured Man

Kiefer Sutherland IS Best Avoided At Five To The Hour Man

Tom Cruise IS A Little Bit Scary Man

Christian Bale IS Bat Man (sorry…)

Michael Bay IS Very Loud Man

Will Smith IS Wicki-Wicki-Wah-Man

Samuel L Jackson IS The Man

Ed Norton IS Very Angry Man

Bruce Willis IS Not Very Hairy Man

Chris Tucker IS Very Annoying Man

Mr T IS Not Getting On No Plane Man

Kevin Bacon IS The Well Linked Man

Cuba Gooding Jr IS What The Hell Happened Man

Add your own suggestions in the Comments box…


The X-Files: I Want To Believe hits UK cinemas from 1st August