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Bonekickers episode 1 review

Ryan Lambie


Forget the slow, painstaking archaeology popularised by Time Team, where vase fragments are carefully teased from the soil with tiny brushes; Gillian's crew pile in with JCB diggers, tearing relics from the earth with psychotic abandon

A new BBC show that's a mix of Time Team, National Treasure and The Da Vinci Code? What could go wrong...?

It's the kind of high-concept nonsense more commonly associated with Hollywood rather than the Auntie Beeb: a combination of Time Team, National Treasure and The Da Vinci Code; how could it possibly fail? Spectacularly, as it turns out, for Bonekickers is surely the BBC's most spectacular and hilarious misfire since the dark days of Eldorado back in the early 90s.

Bonekickers introduces us to the maverick, wildly over-acting Gillian Magwilde (Julie Graham) and her crack team of archaeologists. With a gurgling cry of 'We start digging', they proceed to excavate a park in Somerset, and within minutes they've uncovered a piece of the True Cross and incurred the wrath of some fundamentalist christians.

The BBC's lack of faith in its own premise has had an unfortunate side-effect; terrified that viewers will get bored and turn off, Bonekickers' characters all shout at one another in headlines ('History. It's all about layers!', or 'There's always something down there!') and the whole show is edited like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, even when there's very little happening. Forget the slow, painstaking archaeology popularised by Time Team, where vase fragments are carefully teased from the soil with tiny brushes; Gillian's crew pile in with JCB diggers, tearing relics from the earth with psychotic abandon.

Elsewhere, there's a lurid and gratuitous beheading that's obviously been thrown in to cause some controversy, a fight in an underground chamber full of burning crosses, and one character manages to save herself from death with a bit of impromptu singing (a moment that is sure to go down in history as the most jaw-droppingly awful sequences in television ever).

I was introduced to the term 'jumping the shark' earlier this year, and Bonekickers should be commended for managing to leap straight over it in its maiden episode; in fact, mere words can't express what a dreadful, monumental failure this show was - it makes Torchwood look like 2001: A Space Odyssey. I loved every inept, ludicrous minute of it, and it seems I wasn't alone - reports are in that the first episode garnered 6.8 million viewers.

Whether the next episode will reach the dizzying nadir that this first outing achieved or not, one thing's for certain: I can't wait.

 

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User's Comments

Re: Bonekickers episode 1 review
Posted by picknmix on July 10, 2008 06:39:59 AM

Ryan, I was tempted to write this...but you got here first. Bonekickers was abysmal and moronic in equal measures. I caught an interview with Adrian Lester last week and he was very subtle about the fact they'd made 6 of these, but the BBC hadn't committed to any more. If I where him I'd get back to Hustle and not look back! The dumbest moment for me was the introduction of a character who had a degree in archaeology, but had never been on a dig! Also the logic of having historical figures disguised as Saracens, dropping coins to cover up their real identities to investigators 700 years later is muddled at best. All it missed was Tony Robinson asking stupid questions and getting in the way.

Re: Bonekickers episode 1 review
Posted by Robmac on July 10, 2008 08:14:57 AM

I thought it was a really good show, for all the wrong reasons. I was like a Dan Brown book come to life with every cliche and set up dumped on our screens. I was like watching a GCSE English Lit story made into a TV show ' yeah, like they find this thing, and its like supernatural and they all have powers..and swords, yeah swords rule, the baddies have swords and they do fighting and the cut a dudes head off ..that rules. Now where can I put in a ninja?'..utter utter TV toss, so yup I will be watching it again next week!

Re: Bonekickers episode 1 review
Posted by LizLemon on July 10, 2008 08:42:44 AM

A backhoe couldn't hold the load of crap that was Bonekickers :P

You could tell from the brief commercials it was going to be a shitfest, but we made ourselves watch just so we could confirm the degree of pooness and gauge the actual doody levels.

And my-oh-my were they high!? Oh!

I LOVED the sing-for-your-life scene, but what may have been even better was the lead archeo tossing her broken torch into what was supposedly the final resting place of THE cross, turning into her personal trash heap in seconds, and then torching the place without a second second's thought.

Excremental excellence!

Re: Bonekickers episode 1 review
Posted by Killer7 on July 10, 2008 08:48:29 AM

Two words are all I need. Total arse.

Re: Bonekickers episode 1 review
Posted by LizLemon on July 10, 2008 09:53:30 AM

Sorry - forgot my plea for help. Could someone who saw this skittah and has a good memory help me out?

I really don't want to have to watch this again for verification but... was there not a point when the same lead acheo announced that a manuscript detailing the attack and theft of the cross proved the writer lived because he wrote it in the past tense???!!

In other words.. was she claiming, if he'd died he would have scrawled it - like a Python placard... "Oh no! We are undone! They're stealing the cross. OUCH! I'm being thunked on the head with a rather large log! Egad! Now a sharp sword - I believe it is steel, possible cold-tempered - is peircing me innards! OOOH that smarts!! Argghhhhh ....gurgle....

Re: Bonekickers episode 1 review
Posted by Robmac on July 10, 2008 10:57:30 AM

yup - it was written in the past tense, a la Holy Grail 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiantand pure of spirit may find the Holy Grailin the castle of A-a-a-argh." "What?" "The castle of A-a-a-argh." "What is that? " "He must have died while carving it. " "Oh, come on !- Well, that's what it says." I"f he was dying he wouldn't bother to carve "A-a-a-argh." He'd just say it." "That's what's carved in the rock." "Perhaps he was dictating. "Shut up. Does it say anything else? " No. Just... "A-a-a-argh." Do you suppose he meant the Camargue? Where's that?- In France, I think. Isn't there a St. A-a-a-argh's in Cornwall? - That's St. Ives.- Oh, yes. No, no. A-a-a-argh.Back of the throat. No, no. "O-o-oh" in surprise and alarm. - You mean sort of a "aaah"!- Yes, that's right. Oh, my God! It's the legendary Black Beast of....

Re: Bonekickers episode 1 review
Posted by Ladylexx on July 11, 2008 12:28:03 PM

Oh dear.... We've all watched too many episodes of Time Team to suspend our disbelief - did you see the little stick men figures on the geophys - ridiculous - a blob is all you would have got to suggest a body. Also, I dont think any archaologists do their digging at night. And why did they frame up the tiny slither from the girl's finger? They have the entire log piece still don't they or did I miss something? If the next episode is so laughable I think I'll give the whole series a miss
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BBC drama at its, er, finest: Bonekickers
BBC drama at its, er, finest: Bonekickers
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