On with the show...

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Hi, I’m Troy McLure, and you may know me from such driver's ed films as "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot"

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Homer (to priest played by Liam Neeson): Hey, is it true that you priest guys can't ever... er… y'know?
Priest: Well, I have to admit that the vow of celibacy is one of our sterner challenges.
Homer: Celibacy! I was talking about the meat on Friday thing! Man! You guys have more crazy rules than Blockbuster video...

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Vicki [Lisa’s dance teacher and WWII child-star, addressing the class before a performance]: Okay, kids, tonight's the big night!  Now remember: the important thing is to just dance flawlessly.
Lisa: Excuse me, why isn't my name in the program?
Vicki: It is, silly. You've got the most important part of all. [Flicks through the pamphlet]
Lisa: Curtain puller!?!
Vicki: No one can see the show if the curtain isn't open.
Lisa: Bu-- my parents are counting on seeing me dance!  And I've worked ever so hard.
Vicki: I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly not equal is called what, again, class?
Class: Communism!
Vicki: That's right. And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the Allies 'til my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the Reds.

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Stage hand (walking into the backstage area of the Lolapalooza tour followed by four men in black ties): Who’s playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on… People… Someone ordered the London Symphony Orchestra… Possibly while high... Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.

*Cypress Hill mutter amongst themselves*

Cypress Hill: Yeah, we think we did; [to musician] do you know Insane In The Brain?

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Bart (on mobile phone, hears static and gunshots): Who the hell is this?
Jack Bauer (in gunfight): I’m Jack Bauer, who the hell is this? (more gunfire)
Bart: Me, er… I’m Ahmed Adudi
*screen splits 24 style*
Jack: Chloe, get me all you can on Ahmed Adudi… Does anyone there know Ahmed Adudi?
Chloe O’Brien: Ahmed Adudi; wealthy Saudi financier… Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s…
Jack: … Really?
Chloe (ironically): No Jack it’s a joke name, you’re being set up
Jack: DAMMIT!
*carries on gunfight whilst Bart howls with laughter down the phone at him*

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Marge (on CB radio): Husband on murderous rampage. Send help... Over.
Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over… I was worried for a little bit.

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Abe Simpson (reading from complaint letter): Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.

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Bart: I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

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Homer: Going ‘Cold Turkey’ is not as delicious as it sounds.

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Song of The Day: We put the Spring in Springfield (an showtune-style ode to the town’s Burlesque House).

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Homer: You could close down Moe's
Or the Kwik-E-Mart
And nobody would care
But the heart and soul of Springfield's is our Maison Derriere

Belle: We're the sauce on your steak
The cheese in your cake
We put the spring in Springfield

Dancer 1: We're the lace on the nightgown

Dancer 2: The point after touchdown

Belle & Dancers: Yes, we put the spring in Springfield

Belle: We're that little extra spice that makes existence extra-nice
A giddy little thrill at a reasonable price

Rev Lovejoy: Our only major quarrel's with your total lack of morals

Dancer 1: Our skimpy costumes ain't so bad

Dancer 2: They seem to entertain your dad

Belle & Dancers: The gin in your martini, the clams on your linguine
Yes, we keep the in Springfield

Wiggum, Krusty & Skinner: We remember our first visit

Mayor Quimby: The service was exquisite!

Mrs Quimby: Why, Joseph, I had no idea!

Mayor Quimby: Come on now, you were working here!

Grampa & Jasper: Without it, we'd have had no fun since the March of 1961!

Bart: To shut it down now would be twisted

Jimbo, Dolph & Kearney: We just heard this place existed

Dancers: We're the highlights in your hairdo

Apu: The extra arms on Vishnu!

Dancers: So, don't take the (comedy sound effect)

Men: We won't take the

All: Yes, let's keep the in Springfield!

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Blackboard wisdom of the day: Today is not Mothra's day (aired Mother’s day 2001)

Back tomorrow with more...!