Here they come, 17 ways to wind up Lost:

1. Just tell us you don't know how to end it. Honestly, after sitting through the wafflefest that's become series three, I wouldn't mind
2. Come up with something clever. It's The Truman Show! It's a science experiment! It's a prison! It's American summer camp! Go to Blockbuster and rent some films – you'll find loads of inspiration
3. Cut all the flashbacks out of it. I'm not a svelte man myself, but how many times do you have to do a spin on the fact that Hurley is an unlucky and very fat man? Really? We won't even discuss how he's not managed to shed a pound
4. Let the whole island disappear up Jack's rectum
5. Move the plot forward at least 10 minutes an episode. As it stands, a busy first four and a frantic back four episodes to a season doesn't, repeat doesn't, compensate for the ponderous, self-indulgent shite that's sat in between
6. Transform the others into those vicious fellas in 300
7. Just switch the cameras off and let them all stay there
8. If you really think I'm going to come up with another nine ways, you're more disturbed than me

On a serious note: unless there's a truly impressive rabbit to pull out of the hat, the demise of Lost is a first class lesson in allowing pretension to piss all over a good idea.

With ratings falling, there's a question now over not only does anyone care what happens, but will we get there anyway? As it stands, the thought of sitting through right to the end of the promised seventh season is no treat at all, all the more depressing considering I've invested over 40 hours of my life in the programme.

Bah.