One Direction sign up for Expendables 3

Feature Den Of Geek
1 Apr 2014 - 06:22

The newest casting announcement about the upcoming Expendables film seems calculated to draw in a younger, female audience...

Some very strange, unexpected and unlikely news has come out today regarding some late additions to the cast of The Expendables 3. On April 1st, of all days. 

Pop group One Direction have joined the cast of The Expendables 3. Regular Den of Geek readers will be aware that we covered the release of the One Direction movie in some depth, owing to a lost bet on Twitter. Most of us expected that to be last time the group were featured on this site. We also acknowledge that, back in 2011, we ran a piece suggesting that pop singer Justin Bieber had joined the cast of The Expendables 2. That was an April Fool’s Day joke, of course, and was warmly received by our readers, who often take to the comments section to express their enthusiasm for our cheeky pranks.

Last minute reshoots, to be directed by Stallone, will see One Direction slotted into the film as part of a rival group of mercenaries that already features MMA fighter ‘Rowdy’ Ronda Rousey and boxer Victor Ortiz. It is suggested that band member Zayn will play the leader of the youngsters, who will be in competition with Stallone and co for a big money bounty on a group of violent Cornish separatists. The youthful pop singers were added to the already hyper-masculine cast, which features handsome Dolph Lundgren, at the request of studio Lionsgate, who are concerned that the film will not be able to compete with big summer blockbusters unless it brings in a younger audience.

Our insider told us “One Direction are looking to kick some dudes in the crotch. The teenage girls that have made them rich are growing up. Older audiences don’t seem to know what to make of them; they seem to strike them as a sort of gender-neutral spectre or a vibrating orb of hair care product. The guys are taking their roles seriously, with many of the group in the early stages of growing moustaches to help them get into character. If that doesn’t work out then maybe full beards can be CGI’ed on, in the same way that Van Damme’s trousers were in the second film. It’s amazing what they can so with computers these days. Have seen these new Xboxes they’ve got now? Incredible.”

Sylvester Stallone has yet to respond to our request for comment. The move does seem to be in-line with casting rumours from earlier this year, which suggested pop singer was Rihanna attached for a short while for additional filming before departing from the project. In a recent interview, Stallone suggested that her outrageous demands and bizarre script notes had been behind her leaving the film.

“She’s great, but she’s crazy, and I know crazy because the first movie had Mickey Rouke” he told NewsParp Online. “So we send her the script, and she sends it back with all these notes. Every scene, she wants to be in some state of undress. You got this battle scene, huge scene, guns, explosions, Jason Statham covered in oil waving a knife around… one of the big set pieces. She wants to get her charlies out in the middle of it all. I called her up and I said, ‘RiRi, what’s all this about your charlies?’ She tells me she’s expressing herself. I said ‘I don’t know what you’re expressing. Are you sure you don’t mean exposing yourself?’ But she didn’t mean that. So, I don’t know.”

It’s currently unclear whether Stallone will be as insistent with One Direction’s clothing situation. We’re certainly expecting to see them in vests. Members of their ‘1Der’ fan base are already campaigning for the lads to get their bums out in the film and have started a Facebook page called ‘The Expendabums’.

Check back for all the latest on The Expendables 3.

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