Werewolves! Werewolves terrify the shit out of me. Show me a high school student being cut into pieces by the masked killer hiding in her wardrobe, and I'm good. Show me a giant monster smashing a city to pieces and I'm wide-eyed with excitement. But show me a man in a cheap hairy suit and mask (CGI just doesn't cut the mustard in the scare-stakes) and I'll curl up into a tiny, pathetic ball and beg for the TV to be switched off.

Exactly why this should be the case, I haven't a clue. Perhaps I had an incident with a particularly hairy man when I was a child. Maybe seeing that talking wolf in The Never Ending Story forever destroyed me mentally. Whatever the reason, I have proposed some changes that could - nay, should - be made to certain werewolf flicks, so that I and other lycanphobes (a word I am most definitely claiming ownership of, unless somebody else has already) like me can enjoy them.

Ginger Snaps (a Nail)
Moody teenager Ginger is experiencing puberty and is really, really not in a good mood. She does have a tendency to scratch her ears with her feet, but it's because she has fleas, and definitely NOT because she's changing into any sort of animal.

An American Werepig in London
American backpacker David and his friend are walking along the moors when suddenly they are attacked by … a wild pig! Supposedly, if a pig bites you, its jaws lock and it will not let go until either it dies or the arm is cut off, which is pretty damn scary in itself. So, have David change into some sort of pig-man hybrid instead and rampage around London. No need for w***w****s at all!

The Healthy Man
This new version of the classic Wolf Man sees a man getting bitten by a wolf. Fortunately it turns out that, thanks to his specific genetic make-up, he is immune to the effects of wolf bites and simply suffers a bad cold before making a full recovery.

Dog Soldiers
A group of soldiers on a routine mission believe there is some malevolent and extremely terrifying force stalking them through the Scottish highlands. It turns out to be a hoard of adorably cute, fluffy puppies! This saves on both budget and any need to change the title.

The Howling Mystery
In a pivotal scene, newswoman and our heroine Karen White is confronted by a hairy, 8-foot monstrosity in a cabin out in the woods. Luckily, the Mystery Machine turns up just in time for Scooby and the gang to pull off the wolf's mask, revealing that it was actually Mr Chaney, the owner of the fairground, all along!

My Mom's a Werewolf
This film exhibits everything that makes the 80s so nostalgic. It has ridiculous set pieces, ridiculous 80s music, and ridiculous, completely corny jokes. Not at all scary, even to a lycanphobe, and therefore it does not need to be changed, but gets a mention for being so bad it's great.

Cursed (by Red Eye)
Christina Ricci and her brother don't get attacked by a wolf while helping a woman from a wrecked card on a desolate road. Instead, they take their own car, drive to Wes Craven's house and repeatedly run over his legs until he agrees to stop making shit like Red Eye and make more Nightmare on Elm Street films. Good ones.

More wolfy stuff:

The top 10 movie werewolves
A campaign for real werewolves
Weasels Rip My Flesh and other deathless horror movie titles
The Den of Geek drinking game: Big Bad Wolf
The A-Z of killer animals