Welcome to 2010. Sit down, make yourself comfortable. Can I get you a you a drink? Make sure to use a coaster, I'm trying to keep the place clean.

For the New Year, I've decided that I need to mend my ways. For too long now Confused Views has seemed better suited to ‘Den of Despair & Disgust' than ‘Den Of Geek'. 2010 marks the point where Confused Views becomes a cleaned up, family friendly column. The sort of thing you could sit down and read with your Gran. On her laptop. I've even referenced Rolf Harris in the title. That's how I want you all to think about Confused Views from now on; like Animal Hospital or possibly even Rolf's Cartoon Club. This is a safe, happy place where this week I'll be discussing the merits and flaws of James Cameron's recent hit movie Avatar, which I saw on a recent jaunt to my local Odeon.

When there was a bit of banter back and forth about the initial trailers for Avatar, I kept seeing people bring up the argument that Avatar wasn't just a film, it was also an experiment. Well, I decided to take a cue from James Cameron's spirit of adventure and, prior to seeing Avatar, I shaved my testicles. While neither experiment can be considered a failure, both have left me, well ... scratching my head a little.

The thing with shaving your genitals is that you have to be really careful. Considering that there was no damage done, this experiment certainly wasn't a failure. However, far from the proud, bulbous pink plums you might associate with a lion, I was left looking at a sagging lull of flappy skin that wouldn't look out of place on an old lady's neck. And as for the potential benefits? Well, I spent much of Avatar shifting about in my chair because my nut sack kept sticking to my thigh. Plus, now I have genital stubble, which is causing something of a Velcro effect within my pyjamas. So as far as trying to shave my balls is concerned, yeah, it worked. But what was the point?

Figuratively speaking, James Cameron has not lanced his own scrotum with Avatar. He also has far less reason to be ashamed of his genitals than I do. Again, figuratively speaking. I would never presume to pass comment on the genitals of a filmmaker of Cameron's stature. Not without at least conducting a thorough inspection beforehand. I was trying to make a point, I think, about Cameron's experiment being fairly successful. The 3D did look quite good, as did most of the CG and all that.

But as I was shifting in my chair, sweat proving a most irritating adhesive, I found myself asking the same questions of Avatar as I did of my newly aerodynamic ballbag. Because I think it's great that James Cameron has found a way of making films look so cool. I also think it's great that I've found a way of shaving my scrotum that didn't involve me accidentally turning myself into the sort of person who could accurately be nicknamed ‘Hanniballs Lector' or ‘Frankenballs'. But if both of our experiments were successful, why didn't I particularly enjoy my trip to the cinema?

Well, partly it was itchy balls. But I can't imagine that even the most depraved amongst you haven't heard enough about the contents of my underwear by now, so I'll stick to what went wrong on the screen. I don't think Avatar was a particularly good film. It was alright. It looked nice enough and the battle scenes were good and so on. But the story was dull, the whole thing was very predictable and some of the dialogue was so poor that I half expected the blue cat people to turn an embarrassed red.

When I left the cinema after the film, I didn't find myself talking about Avatar. I found myself tying my shoelaces (an excuse to stretch my legs because of  ...well, I said we'd moved on) and talking about how great it would be to see what someone like Guillermo del Toro could do with that technology.

So, the end result? I probably won't bother to watch Avatar again. And I definitely won't bother to shave my balls again. Well, almost definitely. I was thinking of dressing up as a swimming pool for Halloween this year, and lefty currently bears an uncanny resemblance to the top of Duncan Goodhew's head.

So until next week, sorry about all of the testicle talk. I agree that it was a bit much. But all I had about Avatar was ‘cool effects, shame about the script', which I think has been said enough by now.

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