Ladies, I need you to cover your ears for a minute whilst I talk to the men.

Okay chaps, now that the girls aren't listening, I want to discuss something that we've all done at one time or another. You know when you're waiting in a queue at the supermarket and find yourself fantasizing about the checkout girl? Yeah? You're with me? Good. Well, I found myself in this very situation at the weekend. I had been standing in line for about 10 minutes and things seemed to have ground to halt. I had been waiting too long to leave but was still a little way from the front; they had me trapped.

Then, out of nowhere, they decided to attack my senses by switching on the Christmas music. And so I found myself disappearing into the sanctity of my own head, imagining the checkout girl completely nude, wrapped in cellophane and strapped to a table. I should probably have mentioned that this was a murder fantasy, not a filthy one. Anyway, I proceeded to perform a rather sloppy dissection before basking for a while in the mess of it all.

Whilst this may have many of you concerned for my psychological wellbeing, it should be noted that this is a serious step forward for me. Previous supermarket queues have had me, within the confines of my terrifyingly warped mind, rampaging through the entire shop with a chainsaw. We're talking redecorating the frozen aisle with human entrails, beheading the toothless woman from the seafood counter and then removing the trolley boy's limbs whilst he screams something about only earning £3.50 an hour.

Simply killing one member of staff in a controlled ritualistic fashion represents real progress, and I didn't even have an erection while I was thinking about it. My therapist will be thrilled.

My new found state of mental calm can be attributed entirely to season three of Dexter, which I've been ploughing through over the last few days. Dexter's a guy who knows how to solve problems. When Dexter kills someone, it's always well organized and tidy. He's a positive role model. Spending a few minutes a day imagining that I'm Dexter does me a great deal of good. Plus, it's damn fine television.

I appreciate that season 3 aired some time ago, but I haven't seen able to see it on television, refuse to download the episodes and have only just picked up the recently released region 1 DVD box set. There are a few differences from season 2. Dexter's got a partner, Debs has got another conquest on her mind and Rita has got incredibly feisty (and by ‘incredibly feisty', I mean ‘gigantic fake breasts'). It's still very much Dexter as we know it, though, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

One of the things I noticed when watching this season is how much fun Michael C. Hall seems to be having in the title role. His performance as Dexter is one of the major strengths of the show. Seriously, someone needs to start giving him awards right now. Immediately. You, reading this; you should be doing it. Construct a Matt Edwards trophy out of whatever you have on your desk and then post it to him. If you can't see anything to work with, cut off a hand and attach a plaque to it. We'll organise a presentation ceremony of some kind. I'll even lay on a buffet.

Of course, the downside of watching Dexter season 3 just now is that I have to bob and weave my way around the internet, like a socially crippled nerd-boxer, avoiding knock-out punches from spoiler-spewing chatterboxes. As soon as I found out that John Lithgow was going to be in the show, I wanted to build a wall of ignorance around myself that no knowledge could ever penetrate. I want to sit down to watch it knowing as little as possible, with as much hope as I can have that this turns out to be the Dexter/Footloose crossover I've been willing into existence for some time now.

I was excited to see that Melissa Rosenberg, one of the writers and executive producers of Dexter, would be adapting another novel into a feature film, which will be directed by David Slade. Now, I wasn't a huge fan of 30 Days Of Night, but Hard Candy was a really good film. To me, this is a combination that could work. Of course, it turns out that the film they'll be collaborating on is Twilight 3: Vampin' USA, and so I imagine that I'll probably be busy that night, washing my hair or prodding my belly-button with a pointy stick. Never mind.

I guess that a cook can only use the ingredients they have. Melissa Rosenberg has the Dexter concept; she turns out something great. She's adapting the Twilight books; it's going to turn out to be bullshit. It'd be like having Gordon Ramsey make a Pot Noodle for you. He can swear at it all he wants to, it's still going to taste like cardboard. Or soy sauce flavoured cardboard if you use the little sachet they include, and I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't.

So for this week's conclusion: Dexter is probably my favourite show on TV because it's better than a Pot Noodle. Is that right?

• Confused Views: Malicious pin dropping
• Confused Views: Beat me up, Scotty! 
• Confused Views: The Bloscars
• Confused Views: Dyer Dyer pants on fire
• Confused Views: Strictly for chump-core
• Confused Views: It’s great that we’re breeding!
• Confused Views: Catch the f#@!ing pigeon
• Confused Views: Shock and Awful
• Confused Views: A band of violent simpletons
• Confused Views: Dyer, Dyer, face on fire
• Confused Views: Avatard
• Confused Views: A bunch of tearful Henrys
• Confused Views: The very selfless postman
• Confused Views: A particularly grizzly suicide
• Confused Views: The rage of it all
• Confused Views: Awful miserable teenage bastards
• Confused Views: Hide and shriek