Forget 2012; John Cusack can fuck off. These are the end times right now. Not 2012, but November 2009. This is the beginning of it; the world will imminently descend into chaos and will then cease to be. Twilight grossing $142m in its opening weekend, Tottenham winning 9-1, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria. The end of the world as we know it is what I (and to a much greater extent, the Ghostbusters) am talking about.

Perhaps I've oversold what's happening, but at the very least we're in a bizarre situation. What we have here is a film that has become a cultural event that almost no-one from this film-geek website has seen. Not just not seen, but, aside from that it's got vampires, most of us don't even know what it's about.

I tried to work out what the plot was based on the reviews I could find, but all they seemed to say is that it's the best and also the worst film ever made. Worse than The Box, even, but better than even Transformers 2: Cruise Control.

With the column in mind, I knew I had to get to the bottom of this. For all of you, I trundled along to my local multiplex and braved the crowds of awful, miserable teenage bastards to see New Moon.

The film focuses on a teenage girl called Bella who is an outcast at her school. It made sense to me; when I was at school it was always the pretty, model-like girls that never had any friends. Anyway, to try to get in with the in crowd, she starts smoking. Over the course of the film she learns the valuable lesson that smoking is no way to impress anybody, and that if people only like you because you smoke, then they're not real friends.

Elsewhere in the film, Bella's boyfriend Edward takes part in an underground unicycle racing tournament.

Mario, Edward's wise cracking best friend, goes undercover to crack a drug trafficking ring within the school, while Cosby struggles with learning to play the guitar. Although he feels like giving up, with support and encouragement from his friends he comes to realise that practice makes perfect.

Meanwhile, the headmaster, Mr. Belding, has a tough time accepting that the kids are growing up. And becoming vampires.

The climax of the film is actually based on a subplot that bubbles away in the background. Jacob is the new kid in school and doesn't fit in. He feels jealous of the king vampire, Edward, and so hatches a plot to challenge him to dance off. No rules, no shirts - just your freshest moves.

Edward takes Jacob up on his challenges and busts some pretty hardcore twists and wobbles. Jacob gets served badly and at the end of the film we don't know if he's gonna make it. Cliffhanger!

Now, I should probably say at this point that I haven't actually seen Twilight 2. But to the best of my understanding, this is what happens in it. Probably. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm still so young and I have so much more to give. I've got notes for at least two or three more columns, columns which would never be written up if I'd gone to see Twilight and, distraught over what had happened to vampire films, blown my brains all over the front three rows.

In an effort to reclaim a little dignity for the sub-genre I've been working on my own vampire movie. It's very low budget and gritty and I'm shooting it in a guerrilla style.

Basically, I've been drawing fangs on my testicles and frightening people with them in the night. In alley-ways. Without a camera. Point is this: don't tell the police or I'll smash your face in, yeah?

Anyway... The Twilight box office was a huge surprise to me. $142m? Seriously? I thought with the success of The Dark Knight, things had gotten better. But they haven't. The Dark Knight was a coincidence. It was a well marketed action film with recognisable characters. That's it; that's why it was successful. It had nothing to do with being a brilliant film. It would have been just as popular if Batman had been a vampire or a car robot or a dancing urinal. How depressing.

Life is nothing but pain and suffering and everyone you love just leaves you because they're a vampire. No one understands me or what I'm going through.

• Confused Views: Malicious pin dropping
• Confused Views: Beat me up, Scotty! 
• Confused Views: The Bloscars
• Confused Views: Dyer Dyer pants on fire
• Confused Views: Strictly for chump-core
• Confused Views: It’s great that we’re breeding!
• Confused Views: Catch the f#@!ing pigeon
• Confused Views: Shock and Awful
• Confused Views: A band of violent simpletons
• Confused Views: Dyer, Dyer, face on fire
• Confused Views: Avatard
• Confused Views: A bunch of tearful Henrys
• Confused Views: The very selfless postman
• Confused Views: A particularly grizzly suicide
• Confused Views: The rage of it all