I have to say I'm surprised. I have, for some time, been working on a plan to slowly bring Den Of Geek down to my level. I had targeted 2013 as the year they would reach ‘ground zero', but it appears that they've arrived here some four years ahead of schedule.

You'd think that having achieved my goal way ahead of schedule would have made me happy, but you'd be wrong, you idiot. I've robbed the Den Of Geek of its innocence with my throw-away comments about dirty videos and my stupid jokes about despicable sex acts. Now I'm repelled by it. I've soiled it with my disgustingness and can no longer bring myself to look at it. I am a bastard.

Basically, I'm saying that I was a bit taken aback when I received a softcore porn film from DOG to review. Bare Witness is a technically a thriller about a hitman, some mobsters, some hookers and some cops. It's about a dirty home movie, a mob hit and an impending assassination attempt on the mayor. More specifically, though, it's one of those Channel 5 wrist-flicks they used to show on Friday evenings before teenagers had such easy and (thanks to wireless) private access to the Internet.

It's fairly difficult to review Bare Witness, because I'm not really sure what I should be reviewing. The plot of the film is flimsy, the acting is awful (but not funny awful) and the whole thing looks cheap and ugly. It's also sluggishly paced and more than a little boring. It's a failure as a proper film, in other words. But, given that it's not a proper film, I don't know how much that matters.

If I was writing for a filth website, I'd at least be able to review it for the sex scenes. But I don't know if that's appropriate here. That might be why you visit Sticky Pete's Dirty Flick Fandango or Beyond the Cumshot, but I can't imagine that many of you use Den of Geek to get your online sex thrills (and if you do then you're doing it wrong). The sex scenes are the focus of the film, though, so I think I will need to mention them a bit. Sorry.

After that whole build up, imagine this; the sex scenes are crap. It's that awful faux-sex, Playboy channel style nonsense that looks choreographed and where everyone's hair (ahem, all of it) is always perfectly in place. That's just not what sex looks like. It's like watching replicants try to simulate human intimacy based on what they've seen in glossy magazines and read in the Kama Sutra, which is about as sexy as watching your nan give your granddad a lap dance to Akon's Smack That. So it really fails as a smut film, too.

I don't know who is going to watch this film on DVD. It's a neutered version of pornography. If you're looking to watch a dirty DVD, then you might as well watch a proper one. One with stomach churning close-ups, swine-like grunting and floods of body fluids. You can even get them on Blu-ray now, if you know where to shop (and it should come as no great surprise to regular readers that I do, in fact, know exactly where to shop).

So whilst it does fail on just about every conceivable level (it even fails on the Baldwin front - I mean, fucking Daniel Baldwin? Really?), there is still a place for this kind of film, I think. It's on Channel 5, or Bravo, or some other unloved TV channel that is looking for an excuse to broadcast some filth.

Finding nudity online is too easy. There's no challenge in finding boobs on the Internet, but if you can find a bare breast on television, you've earned that breast. And that's why I think it's good that films like Bare Witness exist. For post-pub TV breast hunting. Which is why this film also fails as a DVD. A DVD with no bonus features.

• Mystery DVD Club No 1: Gabriel
• Mystery DVD Club No 2: My Science Project
• Mystery DVD Club No 3: The Doll Master
• Mystery DVD Club No 4: Mystery Date
• Mystery DVD Club No 5: Chaos
• Mystery DVD Club No 6: Rancid
• Mystery DVD Club No 7: Haunted Honeymoon
• Mystery DVD Club No 8: Retroactive
• Mystery DVD Club No 9: Shanghai Kiss
• Mystery DVD Club No 10: No Man's Land
• Mystery DVD Club No 11: City Of Men
• Mystery DVD Club No 12: Futuresport
• Mystery DVD Club No 13: Dead Lenny
• Mystery DVD Club No 14: Frozen In Fear
• Mystery DVD Club No 15: Co/Ma
• Mystery DVD Club No 16: The Purifiers
• Mystery DVD Club No 17: Babyjuice Express
• Mystery DVD Club No 18: No Small Affair