There's an obvious talking point for this week's column. The tricky part is finding something to say that hasn't already been said, because there's already been a whole lot of talking. It seems to be a subject that people can only have extreme views on. So, Avatar, then; what's the Confused View of it?

Nope. There isn't one. I haven't seen the 15 minutes on the big screen. I haven't even watched the trailer. I seem to be alone in this, but I don't care about Avatar at all. I've not followed the production, not been excited by it and I don't know if I'll go to see it when it comes out. I know nothing about it; I'm an Avatard.

In the quest to stay relevant I'll be prattling on about Inglourious Basterds for a bit this week, meaning that I'm only running a week or two behind the entire rest of the Internet. Then I've got a bit about terrorism in multiplexes. Anyway, when I went to see IB this week I experimented with something called live-tweeting. Basically, it's commenting on something as it's happening on the website Twitter. I thought I'd share those live-tweets here so you can all enjoy them as well. You're welcome.

Before we kick off I just wanted to mention that there are a few things that definitely aren't responsible for my cutting and pasting something I've already written for this week's column. It's definitely not because I'm one of the laziest men on the planet, nor is it because I have another Mystery DVD Club review to write. It's also definitely not the case that I want to show everyone how very bloody hip I am by using the coolest modern time drain that all the kids are down with.

Anyway, this is what happened:

Will be live-tweeting Inglourious Basterds.  

Just buying a ticket. Don't like the ticket-sellers eyes. They're so close together they're practically on top of each other.

Don't understand why people sit down so early before a film. I need to get past. Move!

Didn't miss the Orange ad. Phew. Haven't seen this for a while.

Whoa, what the fuck is this? Subtitles? I didn't come here to read.

I just shouted that out and I didn't get a single high five. Losers.

Seriously, though. Why are the Nazi's speaking German?

Just had to take a quick call. I'm back. They're still just talking. Booooring!

Apparently people aren't happy with me using my phone to talk or update Twitter during the film. Told them to fuck off!

It's like, deal with it. Just watch the film.

Oh, and apparently I can't smoke either.

Someone ratted me out to the staff. Now they're whining at me too. It's not my fault that they only get minimum wage.

Does anyone know any good techniques for calming an angry mob? Please respond immediately.

They've turned on me. I'm being attacked. These films do make people violent. Please get help!

Managed to escape. Will have to see the film another time. Should probably wait for my eye to heal.

Of course, this didn't actually happen (incidentally I thought IB was brilliant). I'd never have gotten away if an angry mob were to set upon me. My response to being confronted is always the same: I curl up into a ball and hope that whatever the threat is loses interest. If it's people I usually sob loudly as well so that they know that I pose no threat or in case they might consider me too pathetic to physically harm. It's a surprisingly effective defence. When a wasp flew into my flat at the weekend I was able to use this technique to avoid being stung for over four hours.

Plus, I might be an arrogant, stupid bastard but even I would never text all the way through a film. A self absorbed prick I may be, but a self absorbed prick with a decent sense of cinema etiquette. Because it really is annoying when someone is pissing about on a mobile phone in a cinema. The screen lights up, it's like a little torch being waved around. Things are getting so bad with mobile phones in cinemas now that extreme action is called for. I've got just the trick.

‘Snipers for Cinemas' is a program I've been working on for a little while. The idea is to install a discreet booth next to the screen in popular multiplex cinemas. Inside the booth would be a sniper. Before the film starts a strict warning would be issued about being a selfish cock once the film has started. Once the film has kicked off, there's a zero tolerance policy. You're just checking your text messages? Well, now you're missing the top of your head. You're loudly repeating a joke you've just heard to try to impress your girlfriend? Well now she's picking pieces of your skull out of her popcorn... and she looks unimpressed.

Assuming that this idea is as successful as I think it would be, it could be rolled out into other cinemas until the problem is eradicated. Then we could pull it back, with just a few snipers popping up at random to silence any rowdy idiots that can't help ruining everything for everyone.

In fact, I think this is where Avatar has gone wrong, if it has. What's the point in making films look so spectacular if you're sat next to a self-important tosspot that can't bear to put their phone away for a couple of hours? ‘Snipers for Cinemas' is the way forward. Perhaps if Cameron had been pioneering this kind of technology then I'd be able to muster up some care.

• Confused Views: Malicious pin dropping
• Confused Views: Beat me up, Scotty! 
• Confused Views: The Bloscars
• Confused Views: Dyer Dyer pants on fire
• Confused Views: Strictly for chump-core
• Confused Views: It’s great that we’re breeding!
• Confused Views: Catch the f#@!ing pigeon
• Confused Views: Shock and Awful
• Confused Views: A band of violent simpletons
• Confused Views: Dyer, Dyer, face on fire