"Fast, Furious.... And Deadly"

Looking at the blurb on this bargain basement DVD it is easy to conceive that No Man's Land may have been a cheap cash-in to Vin Diesel's successful remake of the classic AIP production, however, this film predates The Fast And The Furious by 14 years and is a typical example of the kind of flash, but ultimately hollow, entertainment that permeated so many movies throughout the 1980s.

I think it is safe to say that there is not a single Den Of Geek reader out there who has not seen this kind of story a dozen times before and will not know from the first sounds of a Giorgio Moroder-inspired soundtrack what is bound to happen over the next 90+ minutes. It's the usual plot of a naïve young cop (D.B. Sweeney) going undercover to expose a criminal ring, this time round a bunch of car thefts specialising in Porsches and headed by a young Charlie Sheen. He soon becomes far too infatuated with his new life on the other side of the law and will soon have to choose where his allegiances truly lie.

The acting for the most part cannot even be considered average, but is downright poor. It is one thing if the two main characters only came across as the annoyingly spoiled 20-something yuppies they were meant to portray, but Charlie Sheen and D.B. Sweeney both resemble wide-eyed teenage brats anytime they are involved in one of the film's chase sequences. Sweeney looks as if the only reason he was hired was because James Spader was not available and, based on this early performance alone, it'd be hard to determine whether Sheen could ever have made it if it wasn't for his then more famous relations.

And speaking of filial affiliations: Randy Quaid (as Sweeney's boss and the person responsible for sending him underground) is downright embarrassing. Yes, he is meant to be all cynical and hardened by life, but he is mouthing off the platitudes the script forces him to say in a performance that is right out of the Griswold school of tough cops. Quaid is not even able to properly act dead and I am afraid to say that the expression he chose for playing a corpse in the later part of the film (ooops, I hope I didn't spoil that one for anyone) resulted in a barrage of laughter from my side.

The script is on a level with the performances. After all, where else would you find an undercover cop who is so far immersed in the seedy side of life that he can't visit his family for Christmas - cue: scenes of Sweeney's character standing lonely outside the family home looking in through the windows (yep, you've seen that one before a million times) - but then gets his Christmas presents delivered (and subsequently his alias outed) by an uncle who just happened to pass by his top secret undercover apartment.

And speaking of daft scenes in daft productions: when you're being chased by a gang of crazy baddies and manage to escape with your life to a hidden location in a warehouse, the right time to drive off is when everyone has well left the scene, not two seconds after the rival boss passes your secret spot without discovering your car.

Ah, it is all so silly. True, the film at least is directed with enough routine that time passes fast enough and luckily enough this is a vanilla DVD, so we're not forced to listen to self-congratulatory praise by third-level directors about how they were ultimately responsible for unleashing the dormant thespian talents of young Charlie Sheen.

Apparently, this is also Brad Pitt's feature film debut. He seems to be nothing more than an extra playing a waiter, but I'll be damned if I had the patience to actually focus close enough on this film to have spotted him. And I sure as hell do not intend to rewatch this one again for him alone.

• Mystery DVD Club No 1: Gabriel
• Mystery DVD Club No 2: My Science Project
• Mystery DVD Club No 3: The Doll Master
• Mystery DVD Club No 4: Mystery Date
• Mystery DVD Club No 5: Chaos
• Mystery DVD Club No 6: Rancid
• Mystery DVD Club No 7: Haunted Honeymoon
• Mystery DVD Club No 8: Retroactive
• Mystery DVD Club No 9: Shanghai Kiss