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10 videogames that would make terrible movies
Harry Slater
The Metal Gear Solid series is so deeply rooted in the conventions of video games that uprooting it would only end in tragedy...
Having recommended some game to movie adaptations, Harry now gets his red pencil out and picks the games filmmakers should avoid...
Published on Jul 26, 2009
With a raft of videogame movies in pre and post production, Hollywood seems to be mining digital entertainment for all that its worth. Whilst there are some prime candidates for big screen remakes, there are plenty of others that need to be red flagged. With that in mind, here are ten games that should remain firmly in their original form...
Mass Effect

Deep, thoughtful and massive, Bioware's sci-fi epic bristled with intelligence. A cast of memorable characters, a tangible and believable universe and a story that kept you gripped until the very end made it stand out from the crowd. Add in some of the toughest moral choices players have ever had to make and you're left with an undeniable classic.
Why shouldn't it be made into a movie?
Because 'deep', 'thoughtful' and 'massive' are words very rarely used to describe Hollywood blockbusters. Take away the scope or the smarts and you're left with just another space opera, with clunky CGI dogfights and all the character of a plank of wood. Mass Effect works so well because you're involved, you're not just watching Commander Shepherd, you are him (or her), you're making those decisions, changing the universe and dealing with the consequences. Any film adaptation, no matter how well done, is going to fall short of that level of immersion, and be all the weaker because of it.
Mass Effect movie rights optioned by Avi Arad
Bioshock

From the crumbling art deco stylings of Rapture, to the creepy Little Sisters and hulking, monstrous Big Daddies, every part of Bioshock has become iconic. As well as the perfectly balanced FPS and RPG elements, the game weaves an engrossing, and at times shocking, story, that typifies the mature direction mainstream videogames should be heading in.
Why shouldn't it be made into a movie?
Bioshock works so well because you see the decay and the madness through Jack's eyes; as a third person adventure it simply would not have worked, and as a film it would fall face first into a puddle. As an FPS it can deal with ideas of control, possession and change, as a film it would inevitably digress into Under-Waterworld, and nobody wants that. Except maybe Kevin Costner.
Metal Gear Solid

Hideo Kojima's seminal stealth series has changed so much since its first appearance on the PlayStation One, but the core mechanics of cardboard boxes, sneaking and incomprehensible exposition remain firmly in place. This years MGS4 stretched the limits of both the PS3 and videogames as a whole.
Why shouldn't it be made into a movie?
Well, aside from the fact that a faithful adaptation would have to last at least 24 hours, the Metal Gear Solid series is so deeply rooted in the conventions of video games that uprooting it would only end in tragedy. These are games that redefined the medium, from placing Codec codes on the back of boxes, to characters moving your controller with “the power of their mind” Kojima playfully reinvents the line between game and player. Take away the controller and you're left with a head-smackingly dull conspiracy thriller starring men with names that all sound like porn star pseudonyms.
Hideo Kojima talks Metal Gear Solid Movie
World of Warcraft

The multi-million selling MMORPG that rakes in more cash in an hour than most of us could hope to make in two lifetimes. Blizzard Entertainment succeeded where so many others have failed; creating a solid and believable world, filling it with exciting and interesting things to do and making the whole thing eminently playable.
Why shouldn't it be made into a movie?
Some might say that an accurate cinematic representation of WoW would not only be eye wateringly tedious, but would also entirely miss the point. World of Warcraft has been so successful because it gives gamers a world to play in, then lets them decide what to do. Want to become a fishing cow beast who can cast spells, knock yourself out. Want to run around a dwarf city in your underpants, then make it so. There's no real narrative hook; it's not the expanded universe that keeps the 11 million players coming back, it's the grind, hacking through a species to find that rare weapon you've been hankering over. That sort of dedication just won't translate onto the silver screen.
Braid

Jonathan Blow's essential time-twisting platform puzzler may look retro, but it's one of the most up-to-date games out there. Dealing with love, loss and obsession in a grown up and accessible way, its blend of subtle aesthetic and infuriating problems makes the player look at the game world completely differently.
Why shouldn't it be made into a movie?
The way that Braid mixes gameplay and narrative is bewitching, and utterly impossible in a film. The game and the story it tells are so intertwined as to be entirely dependant on one another, and that's a feat that only a videogame can pull off. Braid is a prime example of the way games are slowly becoming a platform for storytelling, rather than a simple entertainment form.
SoulCalibur

Famed for its massive weapons, ridiculous costumes and, er, less than realistic portrayal of the female form, Namco's SoulCalibur is one of a handful of beat 'em ups that's stood the test of time. The intuitive combat and stunning graphics cement these games as some of the best of all time.
Why shouldn't it be made into a movie?
Street Fighter. Mortal Kombat, Dead or Alive... do you want me to continue? Fighting games make terrible, terrible movies. Trying to add any semblance of interesting, coherent or intelligent story to a game whose sole reason for being is to allow burly men and women to kick seven bells of shit out of one another is an exercise in futility. Fighting game characters are little more than different fighting styles, wrapped up sparkly avatars, with perfunctory back stories tacked on for good measure; hardly a good starting point for a film. Mercifully, SoulCalibur has been spared the treatment so far, let's hope it stays that way.
Grand Theft Auto

Rockstar's controversial killer app has come a long way from its top down, crime spree origins, its latest incarnation greeted with the sort of hype and fanfare that makes Daily Mail readers quake with unbridled, ignorant fervour. Behind the headlines though, GTA4 is one of the most playable, innovative and enjoyable titles out there.
Why shouldn't it be made into a movie?
Half of the joy of GTA comes from ignoring the story, stealing a car and causing as much chaos as you can. The freedom that the games allow you is oft copied and rarely matched. Essentially, you're given a city to play with and the tools with which to wreak absolute havoc. A film can't replicate that, leaving a gritty crime story that's, let's be honest, not really that original; any adaptation would lack the fun that makes the series quite so special. Plus, watching other people beat up hookers with a baseball bat just isn't as exciting as doing it yourself.
'Grand Theft Auto' Movie shot down by Rockstar Games
Portal

The stand out title in The Orange Box, a bundle made up of stand out titles, Portal managed to imbue a puzzle game with heart, narrative and cake. A simple premise, perfectly executed with all of the sparkle we've come to expect of Valve. Also managed to keep most of the internet entertained for the best part of a year yabbering on about cubes and delicious baked goods.
Why shouldn't it be made into a movie?
Because Portal is a game about games. The opening levels are tests set by an all powerful and sinister computer, that are, in reality, tests set by a not quite so powerful and slightly less sinister computer. There's no drama; the story, wonderful as it is, is only a device to get from one room to the next, an entertaining and hilarious afterthought. You can drop a Weighted Companion Cube into a furnace, but you can't take it out of an interactive medium and still make people care.
Ico

The story of a horn-headed boy and his waif like charge attempting to escape from a castle full of shadowy monsters is an exercise in how to make a lasting impression. Story aside, the elegance of Ico's gameplay is unmatched, the sheer joy of the game unlike anything that came before.
Why shouldn't it be made into a movie?
Ico's story is told almost exclusively without dialogue, we watch Ico and Yorda's relationship develop through their interactions, through the scrapes and problems that they, and by extension we, have to solve together. Whilst Ico may follow the timeless boy meets girl template, the method in which its narrative unfolds is reliant on player input. We gasp when Yorda teeters on the edge of a drop because if she falls, its our fault. That kind of emotional connection is the domain of the videogame, and an Ico film simply wouldn't be able to replicate that.
The Sims

Will Wright's life simulator has shipped more than 25 million units in one incarnation or another, so it's fair to say that it's reasonably successful. Leading your creation from childhood to adult, furnishing your house, eating, sleeping, pooping, loving and doing a host of other things you can do in real life, it's a control freak's dream.
Why shouldn't it be made into a movie?
Unless you think the idea of a film that intimately mimics the monotony of everyday existence is a good one, then a Sims movie should be at the very bottom of your wish list. Kitchen sink dramas are all well and good, but the story of a dead eyed, diamond stalked simpleton who can't so much as sit down without prompting is a leap too far. You can't imbue a film character with all your hopes, dreams and decorating ideas, no matter how hard you try.
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The Sims movie. 'No' squared.
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