Hate ‘em: Sarah
I have a feeling this rant isn't going to go on for very long. There's a very simple reason I hate epic battle movies: they're really dull.

Somehow or other, high budget battle movies became all the rage, and you couldn't move for hitting one for the last couple of years. Whether it was orcs fighting hobbits, or Neo fighting millions of Agent Smiths, the battles were big, noisy, and relentless. The films themselves seem to stretch way, way past the two hour mark, with much of that runtime dominated by fighting. Maybe it's because the filmmakers have too much money to play with, to spend on hiring extras or using excessive amounts of CGI, or maybe it's because they don't have many ideas and need to pad the runtime, but I just find it unwatchable. I tend to switch my brain off and start making a shopping list or something.

See, usually, in these epic battle scenes, nothing really happens. Major characters don't die very often; their deaths are reserved for more intimate, ominous fights. So the battles are just full of no-mark actors playing minor characters bashing one another up a bit. Dull, dull, dull.

This isn't the only reason I don't like that famous trilogy of films about walking, but it's definitely part of the reason.

Love ‘em: Kevin

Who, apart from Sarah, doesn't like to see historically inaccurate or completely fictitious but thrilling battle scenes on screen? You know, the ones where heroic figures take down legions of the enemy horde, because they're just that righteous, skilful and favoured by fortune. Oh I'm sorry, you don't like to see them? I don't believe you.

Right then, you're sitting on your sofa at home thinking about a film that can entertain you throughout the evening. You want something with thrills and spills, something tactically 'educational', something no less than epic. There's only one answer isn't there? Well, OK, actually there's a few but that's besides the point. Lord of the Rings (insurmountably good), Alexander (what a leader), 300 (a great excuse for a semi-history lesson and an all out ruck, ancient style, despite Iran's displeasure at it), and finally, Zulu (yes, it counts). These are all fantastic films with battle scenes that become them.

It's nothing to do with the fact that I'll buy any book with a sword on the front. Nor is it my love of all ancient, mythical or otherwise serendipitous victories against huge odds. It comes down to this one thing; epic battles are spine-tingling. Nowhere else will you get the kind of urgent adrenaline rush that you do when a desperate Aragorn yells at his Wood Elf fellow, “Bring him down, Legolas! Kill him! Kill him!” with such urgency you find yourself pleading for a fatal shot to avoid the coming Helm's Deep explosion. In no other type of film will you get such merciless and bold rhetoric as you do when a fallen Emissary to Emperor Xerxes says in such a despicable tone, “A thousand nations of the Persian empire descend upon you! Our arrows will blot out the sun,” only to be countered by Stelios, the Spartan warrior’s brazen reply, “Then we will fight in the shade.” Sheer cinematic, script-writing brilliance.

I challenge you to watch any of the trailers for the films I've mentioned and not feel immersed in the importance of the battles within. If you don't, I have one thing left to say. “This is madness!” And your reply would surely prove my point.