Confused Views: Trolling tips for George Lucas

News Matt Edwards 15 Feb 2012 - 10:29

With George Lucas insisting that Greedo shot first, is the Star Wars creator deliberately trying to rile his fans? If so, Matt has a few trolling ideas to share...

Everyone has heard that story about Disney employees who wear big character costumes not being allowed to take off their ‘head’ in public view, regardless of circumstances. This extends, I’ve heard in some stories, to Disney cruises, where employees apparently must remain in costume even if the boat sinks and they are drowning. Now, I’ve no idea if this is true, and, while I’m sure that one of you knows a guy who actually used to work there, I assure you that no one is interested.

The point is, Disney understands that for an illusion to be convincing, the people being illusionised must never see the mask come off. 

Last week, the children at Disney World may well have gotten a peek under Donald Duck’s oversized head. But in this instance, the innocent kiddies are grown-up Star Wars fans and the mischievous bird is George Lucas.

Lucas has claimed in an interview that Greedo always shot first, and that the matter had always been confused by camera angles. This, to use internet slang, is trolling of the highest order. George Lucas has clearly noticed how tightly wound a lot of Star Wars fans are, and rather than attempting the impossible task of pleasing them, he’s just pushing their buttons for a laugh.

Of course, it’s hard to know just how long this has been going on for. Is this Lucas’ first attempt at trolling fans, thus explaining why it’s a little obvious and clumsy? Or has he been doing it for years - which would offer an explanation for The Phantom Menace?

In the interest of helping George Lucas out before he has to resort to just swearing into your pale Star Wars loving faces, here are some things he might like to do in attempt to make the internet noisily shit itself to the tune of the Imperial March.

Describe boobs

Just because he’s going to, figuratively, flick you in your nerdy Star Wars balls, doesn’t mean that George Lucas has to shout about it. This is an idea I’m suggesting for a change to A New Hope for the 3D reissue and would not be announced prior to the film’s release. Lucas would, at first, refuse to comment on it at all, but would, when pressed, say:

“Yeah, what I did was, I decided to replace the opening crawl which sets up the situation before the film starts, because everyone knows it by now, anyway. These guys, these big Star Wars fans, they know every word of it. So, I’ve switched it with a description of what breasts feel like, because that’s information those social misfits don’t know. You know, most of my fans are hardcore virgins and probably have no idea what a boob feels like, and that’s something that I can share with them and help them with.

“In truth, it’s that I feel partly responsible. I created Star Wars – this magical space battle world, and these losers have grabbed hold of it with all of their might. You’d think by now they would have loosened that grip a little bit and gotten to know the female form somewhat, but they just sit around all day crying about Greedo and yammering about Jawas. It’s not healthy. So while I’m still happy to take their money, I’d like to give something back to them by describing what they’ve been missing out on. I can’t help it – I’m a nice guy!”

Potential response comment from a Star Wars fan:

“Typical money grabbing Lucas. I’m so sick of this cheap stereotype of Star Wars fans as nerdy guys who’ve never had sex. Yeah, I’m sure there are some guys like that who like it, but not all of us. There’s no point telling me what boobs are like, I’ve felt more than six of them so I should know! Anyway, does it not occur to George that some of his fans are female? Actually, I saw A New Hope in 3D, and I thought George’s description of boobs was pathetic. He’s probably the one that doesn’t know what they feel like lol.”


Insult Boba Fett

This might seem tame when you consider the other things on this list, but in context of how loved a character Boba Fett is by Star Wars fans, it might actually be the most harsh. By undermining the mysterious bounty hunter, Lucas would no doubt whip the frosty fanboys into frenzy.

I’m thinking a talking head bonus feature on the next Star Wars DVD release, and a statement like this:

“Boba Fett? Sure, we talk about Boba Fett. What do you want to know? I lost a bet, if that’s what you’re asking about. Yeah, the whole Boba Fett thing, I’ve always been really embarrassed by the character. He’s got that stupid helmet and farts about like he’s important just because he’s got a rocket on his back. Big deal – anyone can have a rocket on their back, it doesn’t make you special. What makes you special is making a shitload of brilliant films and having a dedicated, albeit whiney, fanbase. Boba Fett isn’t so special.”

“I’ve always included him at Steven Spielberg’s insistence, since I lost this bet to him. Why do you think I gave him that stupid death? The guy is a bumbling tit and anyone who likes him is an idiot.”

Potential response comment from a Star Wars fan:

“Typical money grabbing Lucas. Just goes to show how much of the good stuff of Star Wars wasn’t from him. He’s completely lost it now and this is the last Star Wars set I’ll be buying. Seriously, we should all get together and hire Boba Fett to take Lucas out lol.”


Make offensive videos

Imagine one day you open up your email and find you’ve received a personal message from George Lucas. You open the email and find there’s a video embedded. You play it and find the clip, clearly recorded on a home camcorder which is likely operated by a wobbly drunk, is of Lucas in his back garden. He, too, appears to be intoxicated. He references you by name, points to big pile of cash of the ground in front of him, and identifies it as the money you’ve spent on Star Wars over the years. He sets it on fire, watches it burn for a moment, then pisses out the flames. The video ends.

Potential response comment from a Star Wars fan:

“Typical money grabbing Lucas, setting fire to his money lol”


Repeatedly remake A New Hope

With unending enthusiasm, George Lucas sets about remaking A New Hope. It features an all new cast and some tweaks to the script. The film is released and is a big financial hit. Rather than remaking the rest of the trilogy, he immediately starts work on remaking A New Hope again. He repeats the process, each time slightly altering the film and completely recasting, 13 more times. Then, once he’s finished, he declares the original A New Hope to be the 15th best version.

“They’re going to pay to see it anyway, and they already know what I do with their money. I set it on fire and then I urinate on it” he tells a particularly handsome interviewer from Den of Geek, probably me, when promoting the last version’s release.

 Potential response comment from a Star Wars fan

“Typical money grabbing Lucas. He’s lost sight of what made A New Hope special. It wasn’t the film – it was the fans. We made Star Wars special by liking it and now we don’t like it any more so it’s not special. He just doesn’t realise how powerful we are as a fanbase. If we decided to just stop spending money on Star Wars, then it would be over for him. Alright, so we haven’t, and I’ve paid to watch all 14 new versions of A New Hope, but still. We, the vocal minority on the internet, are a massive part of Stars Wars popularity and we’re going to start showing that.

“We’re the new rebellion and we’re gonna to take Darth Lucas down lol”


Call a press conference to officially announce that he's had your mum

The press grow impatient. The hum of chatter in the room is getting louder and questions about why exactly they’ve been called here start to become more pointed. There’s a rumour circling that the Star Wars TV show is about to be announced.

Everyone draws a deep breath at the same time. Freezes. Silence. Lucas enters the room. Approaches a microphone set-up on a small stage. Clears his throat.

"I've had your mum.”

“On the night on 12th February 1979, I took your mother out for a night on the town. We had dinner and went dancing. Shortly after leaving the club, I took her against a wheelie bin in a car park behind a bowling alley. About halfway through we were interrupted by a drunk man who began shouting encouragement at me, which put me off. Temporarily, the sexual encounter was abandoned. We returned to your parent’s house where, after a cup of tea and some sweet talk, I resumed thrusting. I was surprised by some of the things she did. I can only assume, all these years later, that internet pornography exists as the universe’s tribute to her bedroom prowess, because she really is an ‘anything goes’ type of gal.

“I have not seen her since. I hit it and then I quit it. That said, I could have your mum again anytime I want. She's always ringing me. Just ask her. In fact, tell her that you’ve heard that George Lucas’ balls are as hairy as a wookie’s back – her smile will give her away.

“So, next time you’re complaining that you don’t like a new music cue I’ve added to The Empire Strikes Back, remember this – I don’t care what you have to say and I’ve had your mum.”

Potential response comment from a Star Wars fan:

“Typical money grabbing Lucas, having my mum lol.”


Hire Mark Hamill

George Lucas hires Mark Hamill to follow him around all day, dressed as Luke Skywalker, to walk behind him and catch his farts in a box. Then, at the end of the day, Hamill must sniff the contents of the box until Lucas is satisfied that it’s empty.

When quizzed about the practice, Lucas comments, “It’s a great way to keep the Star Wars legacy alive. This way the fans get to see me mingling with the old cast, it brings back happy memories for them. This is what I always wanted to happen. It’s how I originally envisioned my life, post-Star Wars.

“Oh, Mark, could you get that?” *parp*

Potential response comment from a Star Wars fan:

“Typical money grabbing Lucas, making Luke Skywalker smell his farts for money. Lol?”

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