Confused Views: Empathy for the Devil

News Matt Edwards 10 Feb 2010 - 16:38

Matt knocks over a few more targets - Uwe Boll and Platinum Dunes included - on his way out of the Confused Views door...

"I just found out I'm gay a few weeks ago in Oklahoma. That sucked, ‘cause I had no idea. Some guy in a bar told me. ‘Hey, you're a faggot!' Ahh shit! How am I gonna tell my Dad? It was hard enough breaking it to him that I was an asshole. He's gonna hate this.' - Doug Stanhope, The Great White Stanhope

‘You've had enough chances now Matt, and you've made no effort to be either interesting or funny." - maffu, comments section of last week's column

Well, you've read the above comment. This is over. I thought I had a few more chances left before I had to start making an effort to be either interesting or funny (at which point I'd intended on fleeing the Internet, leaving these columns behind like an inconsiderate flatulent bastard leaving a fart in a crowded lift), but apparently my calculations were out by a bit. Maybe I should have done more accurate research. Therefore, the end seems to have come before I had a chance to say everything I wanted to say, and tag everyone that I wanted to hit.

Well, I've decided to indulge myself with one further column, just to knock the last few targets on my list. Then, that's it. No more Confused Views. Probably. Unless this is some kind of ruse, which it is, and I reveal at the end that I'm actually going to carry on as normal after a short break, which I am. But play along, it'll be more fun.

So yeah, last Confused Views ever. Very sad. Twenty-five columns in and I never really got to make proper fun of Uwe Boll. That said, if he was still relevant, it might have come up. The Boll-meister general has disappeared entirely, it seems. Whilst his films were never big hits, Boll himself never seemed to have much trouble getting attention. He made headlines slating Steven Spielberg, Eli Roth and Michael Bay. He caused outcry by boxing his critics. But then he kept producing films that were unwatchable bullshit (Bollshit?), so people just, sort of, lost interest in him.

I've seen a few Uwe Boll films. I saw House Of The Dead first, and lasted about 20 minutes. Then I decided I was done. But people kept recommending his films. "Ah, Matt," they would say. "Fair enough if you didn't like House Of The Dead, but you'll love BloodRayne." You can imagine my surprise when, contrary to this, I did not love BloodRayne at all. In fact, I didn't even make it to the end. So again, I was done with Boll.

We're just not compatible, Uwe and I. But it kept happening, again and again. "Alright, so you didn't take to BloodRayne. I thought it would be to your taste. You should watch Seed, though. Even if it's not entirely to your thing, you'll get something out of it. It's a genuinely well made film. You'll be surprised by how much better he's gotten."

So, I saw Seed, which succeeded in sucking. It wasn't better at all. It was just visually darker. Not being able to see everything that happened helped a little, but it was still a less pleasurable experience than, say, a colonoscopy or being fed to a mob of furious bloodthirsty piranha fish.

Perhaps my real problem with Uwe Boll is that he boxed some of his critics' heads in. What if all directors took this approach? I'd have to watch my back constantly, wary that Michael Bay could sneak up on me at any point and bundle me to the ground. From there, it's anyone's guess as to what he would do, although most likely it would involve causing some rather serious damage to my beloved testicles. And that would be Uwe Boll's fault, even though I definitely deserve it.

Moving on, I always wanted to put together a column about how good Platinum Dunes are at making trailers, particularly in comparison to how bad they are at making films. The Nightmare On Elm Street remake trailer was great, but I have no hopes for the film at all. Same with the Friday The 13th remake trailer. Looked great. The film was unwatchable bollocks, of course. But such is life. Maybe they should stick exclusively to making trailers.

Some other things I would have probably columned at some point was the Weinstein Company's inability to successfully market nearly any of their films (leading me to suspect they'd be unable to sell their unwanted gold to cash4gold.com or even sell any car to webuyanycar.com. And I mean any car of any make, any model, any age or any price from £50 to £100,000).

I was also hoping to find a fresh angle on the ‘Harry Potter is for children' idea (because it's about a magic boy going to wizard school. I also had a note about the title Harry Potter And The Solitary Wisp Of Chest Hair).

So, that's what you could have won on a slow news week. And that's that for Confused Views. Finished and never coming back. Except, as I'll now reveal, that it isn't.

Well, I enjoyed that. So much so, I've decided to keep the column going forever. Hooray. Be back in a month or so.

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