Top 10 badass movie gals

Top 10 The Dude 7 May 2009 - 20:22
badass movie gals

It’s when you’re not expecting to have your arse kicked that it hurts the most…

10: Selene – Underworld

Selene is a vampire who defies her superiors, kills some werewolves…kills some more werewolves, then chops through the head of what is supposed to be the most powerful vampire, and does it all wearing what some might argue to be the best leather outfit ever. Selene is sexy and  bad-ass. What makes Selene so sexy and bad-ass? Well firstly, she is a vampire so that’s some major points right there. Also, she really knows how to use a gun, and I like that in a woman. Thirdly, she drives a wicked awesome car sooooo… Well, enough said.

9: Mulan – Mulan

I understand it may be a little iffy to include a Disney cartoon character on this list when there are other possible contenders but if we look at my favorite 2D bad-ass from the right angles there is some hard evidence as to how bas-ass she actually is. As a matter of fact, if this was a live action flick, Mulan would probably be higher, but it isn’t. Anyways, lets see…Mulan started off kinda easy, I mean she just stole her dad’s armor and ran off to fight a war and decided to call herself Ping. But then she dropped a MOUNTAIN ON THE HUNS. Then Mulan fell off a cliff and survived. And then, to top it all off, she defeated the most notorious villain in the East with his own sword and uhhh, saved all of China. And she did it all wearing a dress. Mulan, if my sons or daughters would turn out anything like you, I would gladly let you be the mother of my children.

8: Eowyn – LOTR Return of the King

Eowyn, not only are you a woman, but you are a bad-ass woman. You just bring so much to the table when you kill a Wraith King. You bring a woman with poise, grace, elegance, but most of all, you bring style. Little flick of the hair, little flash of the sword and Sauron’s main man is no more. You might even be higher on this list but, unfortunately for you, the rest of the time you spend on screen is fairly retarded and unenjoyable and we find ourselves wishing something else was happening. Luckily you have that one redeeming moment that earns you the title of bad-ass chick number seven. I’ll give you a call next time there is a Wraith King around that needs killing.

7: Abernathy, Kim, Lee, Zoë – Death Proof

I know this is more than one girl, but you can’t possibly classify them except as a group. I’d just like to mention that these girls would also make the list of girls who know how to Rock’N’Roll. I have never personally played a game of ship’s mast (the game where a girl uses belts to keep herself on the hood of a very fast-moving vehicle) but I am positive I wouldn’t do as well as Zoë does. I also don’t think I could handle getting thrown off the hood of that car by Stuntman Mike and then just jump right back into action. Oh, also I’m not a hot chick that carries a gun to shoot said Stuntman. Poor Stuntman Mike, he just wanted some fun. What did he get for his playfulness? Well, they shot him, destroyed his car, and then beat him to death with their bare hands! If there is one thing I have learned from this list its a greater respect for the average woman. Poor Stuntman Mike, he had to deal with multiple bad-ass chicks at the same time. Poor Stuntman Mike.

6: Cherry Darling – Planet Terror

Lets look at the facts. Cherry is a, uhhh, Exotic Dancer, and she uhh, well she loses her leg to a zombie. Cherry takes part in a sizzly, steamy, and sexy but short-lived scene with only one leg and plays pirate for most of the movie. But as much as I loved her peg leg I gotta say I enjoyed its replacement all the more. This is where her being bad-ass comes into play. Wait, have you ever seen Planet Terror? Well if you haven’t, go and rent it right now. Because in this movie, there is a girl who somehow attaches a large gun to her leg, and with this gun/leg she kills many-a-man. Its fairly bad-ass actually. She is riding backwards on a motorcycle so as to annihilate any would-be threats from behind and she is then thrown over a large wall and with her gun-leg she kills some more people. Its all very fantastically bad-ass.

5: Alice – Resident Evil

Genetically altered bad-asses aren’t your everyday bad-asses. They’re the ones you pit against large quantities of zombie creatures and expect to win, and Alice does not disappoint. She is extraordinarily pretty and manages to pull off packing more weapons than the Taliban with proficiency and skillfully-honed talent. Let’s discuss one scene in particular shall we? Okay here’s the scenario: bunch of helpless people inside a church are about to get eaten by some dog… thing. Well, the church has a large stained glass window which makes a perfect entrance for any bad-ass chick looking for a good entrance. So, naturally, Alice makes her entrance through the ornately painted window… on a motorcycle. Need I say more? Well, Alice then proceeds to kill the dog things with what appears to be ease and that’s all she wrote. All in a days work for this bad-ass.

4: Miho – Sin City

“Deadly little Miho, you won’t feel a thing if she doesn’t want you to.” These words are spoken respectfully of our number four bad-ass. First of all, Miho is Asian, which adds to her amount of bad-ass immensely. She pulls off the whole Asian assassin thing quite nicely. With Miho, its like this: I’m just not going to get involved with her. If I hear she is coming to town, I am going to leave. If I hear she is coming to dinner, I am going to leave. If I hear she is out to kill me, I am going to die. Although, on second thought, I’m fairly sure I wont hear about it if she is out to kill me. Remember when Miho kills all those guys in the Limo after leaping dramatically from the rooftops? More specifically however, remember when she kills the cop? What does he say about it? Oh yeah, “She doesn’t quite chop his head off, she makes a Pez dispenser out of him.”

3: Ellen Ripley – Alien

Ms. Ripley is one bad-ass chick. How many times does she have to look some crazy Alien Motherfucker in the face and kick its ass? Doesn’t Ellen die in one of the movies? And then doesn’t she come back to life? That’s something only one other gal on this list accomplishes throughout her time on the big screen. We can look at a number of different things that make Ellen Ripley deserving of this spot. Number 1: Ellen climbs into a big robot and decides it is time to bring the fight to the Alien instead of just running and hiding from it, and she kicks its ass. Number 2: Ellen fights an entire army of Aliens, and she opens up a can of whoop ass on them. Then doesn’t she use the Alien’s own acid to burn a hole in the glass and the Alien is sucked into space by a vortex through a hole about the size of a DVD? If all of those things combined don’t make her a bad-ass, I have no idea what does.

2: Beatrix Kiddo – Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2

As I sat watching the credits roll after Kill Bill: Volume One, I turned to my buddy and said “Boy am I glad I’m not Bill.” I understand that the Crazy 88’s weren’t exactly 88 people, but, ARE YOU SERIOUS? And that crazy little girl with the ball and chain? I would’ve walked out right then and there, screw Bill. He isn’t worth it. But I guess its different when your nickname is Black Mamba and you belong to a secret organization of expert assassins. So then I see number two and things get even crazier. Beatrix amazes me every moment with the way she goes about her business. But most of all I like how she gets shot with a shotgun full of rock salt and gets buried alive. Moreso than that I like how she punches her way out of her coffin and climbs to the surface so as to continue her quest to kill Bill. Before she gets around to killing Bill she partakes in a pretty bad-ass chick fight and we all know how that ends. Elle is left confined in a trailer with the other kind of Black Mamba. The reptile kind. Oh, did I forget to mention that Elle is left in what is quite literally a blind rage? Of course Beatrix isn’t done yet. She still has to take care of Bill. After a bit of shenanigans on Bill’s part, our hero, Beatrix Kiddo, unleashes the ultimate weapon on her ultimate enemy: the ‘five-point-palm-exploding-heart' technique. Needless to say, she kills Bill. Also, before all of this, she got shot in the head. Could she have been more bad-ass if she had tried? We will never know.

1: Sarah Connor – Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Simply put Sarah Connor is just a crazy bad-ass chick. Locked up in an insane asylum for who knows how long, she manages to beat the crap out of a bunch of dudes and take the doctor hostage. Sarah Connor is the kind of girl that knows what she is doing and what she is doing is kicking some ass. Running into strangers houses and shooting them and shooting at Terminators as they chase her down the street. Training her body and mind to repel the ever imminent machine take over and just all around looking like a bad-ass. She has a mission… survival. But really the thing that puts her at number one on this list actually takes place after she dies. Sarah Connor left the world a little present: A coffin full of weapons. Okay, that is BAD-ASS. Who the hell leaves a coffin full of weapons so that people can use them against the machines? Sarah Connor does. And that is why she is just so damn bad-ass. Thanks for the weapons Sarah.

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