Top 10 edited-for-TV Movies

Top 10 Mark Pickavance 14 Apr 2008 - 09:33
Funsters galore.

What the...funster? Mark bemoans the network shredder that 'sanitises' our favourite films..

One major plus for going to the cinema is that you nearly always get to see the film as the director intended. But that might be true if you catch it on TV, where strange forces are at work protecting you from the dark side of the universe. Here's the top ten butchered for TV screened movies!

Ghostbusters
This is an exceptionally violent and subversive movie which had to be tamed for TV! No seriously, depending when in the day they show this you might get the cinema passed version, or the one butchered for American TV. Some scenes are virtually unrecognisable, a good example is the mayors office, where Stantz calls Water Peck "Dickless" – except now he calls him "Wally Wick" and the retort is also altered. Zeddmore has now has seen "stuff" that will turn you white, eh?. Other offensively funny lines are cut, like the one Stantz makes when seeing Mr Stay-Puff. Disappointingly some of these changes were made possible because Ivan Reitman shot alternate takes expecting a TV backlash. It duly came, and modifications were made at the behest of ABC, may you rot in a PG rated hell…

Predator
Okay, I'll accept that this is a movie with a reasonable amount of gore, but not out of context of the story, which is why it was passed as an 18 certificate in the UK. But he, everyone can watch it if you remove almost every killing and swear word! This version descends into farce towards the end as you don't see what happens to most of the people, and the scenes no longer cut together correctly. If you see this film being shown with a 9pm or earlier start then you might be getting Predator: De-clawed.

Mad Max 2 (The Road Warrior)
There are lots or different versions of this film knocking around, but if it's the butchered one you'll know very early on as it jump-cuts Wez removing the arrow from his arm. The people who committed this particular crime need to be hunted down by the last of the V8 interceptors.

Shrek 2
The UK's British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) have a hard time with 'reality' sometimes, like what's real and what's 'made up'. In Shrek 2 they demanded that the final scene where Fiona headbutts Charming be replaced with a karate chop! Please…it's a synthetic character attacking another pile of pixels! An entirely moronic modification that deserves a 'Glasgow kiss'.

Scarface
Tony Montana is confronting the crooked cop and shoots him, and dying he issued an entirely justafiable f-word. But not in the sanitised for TV version of Scarface, he says to Tony...."Forget you!" Eh? What does that mean? The challenge of overdubbing was obviously too much for those sadly tasked with doing that.

Goodfellas
Mafia movies aren't really fertile ground for family screening, are they? But with TV advertising deals any movie can be shoehorned into any timeslot, given the motivation. There's a version of this film with no swearing or close-up violence that was put together for American TV. Some of the overdubbing in it is hilarious, and converts this seminal organised crime movie into an instant comedy classic. My personal favourite is the line "Go fuck your mother" which bizarrely becomes "Go feel your mother". To be renamed Funnyfellas, are you laughing at me????

Fargo
The Coen brothers like a real feel to their movies, so people swear in them, but not in the TV edit version they don't! Amazingly they use an entirely new word to me, 'froozing' instead of the ubiquitous 'fucking'. It isn't the only change. Steve Buscemi's angry tirade gets mutated into "I GAVE SIMPLE, FRUITFUL INSTRUCTIONS!!!" Yes, and I've a few for those that did this to a classic film.

National Lampoon's Animal House
This is a funny movie, especially if you caught it originally. But on TV you might be subjected to any number of strange edits of this film. These alterations range from scenes being changed, like the girls Bluto sees through the window now have Bras on (doh!), to dialogue changes and scene cuts. Best of all is the infamous 'NBC version' which cut out almost every verbal or visual gag in the entire movie, and runs for 13 minutes less than the 109 minutes of the original cut. Dickheads. It makes me so annoyed…I want to have a Toga Party! Toga Party! Toga Party!

The Usual Suspects
For a reason I can't fathom someone set about this movie with scissors to make a grandma friendly cut. I've not actually seen it, but whole chunks are missing and some of the dialog has been overdubbed. I'm told that "Give me the keys you fucking cock sucker" is ramped up a tension notch by changing it to "Give me the keys you fairy godmother." I'm scared!

Die Hard, Die Harder, Die Hard with a Vengence
These films have suffered all manner of cuts, overdubs and alterations, but what's really got the TV men upset is John McClane's classic, "Yippie-kye-ay, Motherfucker". In the UK TV edit it becomes "yip-ee-kay-ay Kemosabe", and in other versions it have been reported as "Yippie-kye-ay, My Friend", "Yippie-kye-ay, Mister Falcon' and the never to be bettered 'Yippie-kye-ay melon farmer!'

But at least they got released to the cinema relatively unscathed, unlike the fourth instalment which as swearing free on release!

Other notable overdubs…

Ferris Bueller's Day Off ... "Pardon my French but you're an AARDVARK!'"(????)

Field of Dreams – "We were going to ask Ty Cobb to play, but none of us could stand that son of a squid"

Total Recall – "Come Back Here you Steroid."

The Big Lebowski – "This is what happens, Larry! This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!"

Robocop – "You're gonna a bad mothercrusher..."

Lethal Weapon – "We bury the funsters!"

The Last Boy Scout – "I POPPED your wife, and later I'm gonna POP her again"

Click here to check out ALL the lists at Den Of Geek...

Disqus - noscript

The Big Lebowski one has to be my favourite edit (look for it on Youtube, it has to be seen to be believed), but there were some great (and baffling) ones made to Mallrats, too - "All it took was a fat karate punch!"

Anyone else remember the Harry Enfield sketch about the dubbing of a TV version of Goodfellas? Muddyfunsters...

Sean of the Dead: It's four o'clock in the funking morning!

Shaun, even. I fail at life.

Which became the fruity replacement for the 'Motherfuckers ' with which Eddie Murphy peppered his dialogue in the Beverly Hills Cop movies.

Robocop has loads of cuts, plus the best bit of dubbing ever where the guy in the corner shop shouts "why me? why me?" while shooting Robocop!

The Shrek 2 headbutt is interesting, I remember reading that Spider-Man 2 had a single headbutt removed to take it from a 15 to a 12. I guess headbutts incur the wrath of the BBFC!

Repo Man's "Flip you, melon farmer!"
The original and still the best...

"He's not my friend, he's a FUNKING IDIOT!"

Was that ever actually used? Or did they just do it for the DVD?

The edited for cable version of Mallrats is epic, as the person doing the voice dubbing for Jay is... not Jay, not from New Jersey, actually from Georgia, and completely awful. Considering every other word of Jay's dialogue is offensive language, literally half the movie changes.

Seb: I think they said it was for an aeroplane version, but I don't know if it was actually used, ever.

You missed out Midnight Run! It's virtually incoherent, they change so much dialogue.

Yeah I'm suddenly reminded of how awful the Beverly Hills Cop 2 edit was... fucking ITV. The one that always sticks for me is Aliens and Ripley announcing that "you don't see them frigging each other over for a god damn percentage"... Aliens frigging each other? A dubious concept.

Midnight Run and The Hard Way are unwatchable in those pre-watershed hacked-up versions.

Brilliant brilliant article.

I, like Simon, remember the Harry Enfield sketch which was pure genius.

'Did you FUN my wife?'

'No I didn't FUN your wife.'

Another couple spring to mind...

True Lies: In the car, Arnie smashes the motor-mouthed salesman in the face with the back of his fist, knocking him out cold, before the camera blinks back to reality and shows he only imagined himself doing so. This is cut for the video release, let alone TV.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: I watched this on video, wondering what all the fuss was about. I found out years later that an incredibly harshly cut (no pun intended) had replaced the controversial initial release.

Ooh, how about edited-for-TV TV? That episode of Buffy where Spike's mocking Giles and says his life goes like "Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea" and it gets cut to "Cup of tea, cup of tea, cup of tea" springs to mind.

In the U.S. my all-time favorites were "Animal House" and "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" with edits and dubs too numerous to mention.

Smokey and the Bandit...."You Scum-Bum"!!!!!

You missed a big one. Purple Rain. Whenever they show the scene when Prince is singing Darling Nikki and there is a "naughty word" like masturbate, the sound of the crowd cheering rises up and drowns the lyrics out.

i remember aliens and robocop being on. they were so badly edited it was unbelievable. The voices in them were awful. most noticibly Vasquez (if memory serves) saying about nuking the whole frigging nest. And robocop was really bad when dick jones corners bob in the toilets.
I used to call the old man funny names, iron butt, boner. once i even called him 'AIR HEAD' That was so bad lol. the editing team should have been shot for that crap really.

I once saw Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke on COmedy Central. It was like an hour long and somehow, they not only removed all the language and sex, but every single drug reference. How was that even possible? Who expected to watch a Cheech and Chong movie and not see or hear a reference a single joint. Total waste of an hour and needless to say, it made no sense whatsoever.

On the American TV version of Smokey and the Bandit there is a Overdub of when the Sheriff says "Nice Ass" which was overdubbed by tellephone as "nice lady" and the resulting dub sounds like it was done at a McDonald's drive through. really funny.

I can top all of that.

I once saw Die Hard on TV, and heard Bruce Willis, in all his badass glory, utter these words:

"Yippee-ki-yay, Mickey-Fickey!"

I never did stop laughing...

Don't forget about JFK. I saw that on TV once and laughed until I cried. Every F-bomb in it has been changed to "fletcher." So, you have people calling each other "mother fletchers" for the duration of the film.

Hot Shots: Part Deux! Ironically, the TV edit of this one was more complete than the DVD release! I bought the DVD only to discover that as well as few censored lines and jokes, there is an entire sequence missing (the limo-ride and sex scene to the tune of 'I'm so excited' is excised by a jump cut to 'the morning after'). I later discovered that an uncensored DVD cut is not availble, and the old VHS copy I taped off the TV years ago is all I have to remember it by... Surely one of the big advantages of DVD is to enable us to have full uncut versions of things: if you are going to release a PG cut for the kids, have the decency to release the regular cut for us adults!

The Big Lebowski one has to be my favourite edit (look for it on Youtube, it has to be seen to be believed), but there were some great (and baffling) ones made to Mallrats, too - "All it took was a fat karate punch!"

Anyone else remember the Harry Enfield sketch about the dubbing of a TV version of Goodfellas? Muddyfunsters...

Sean of the Dead: It's four o'clock in the funking morning!

Shaun, even. I fail at life.

Which became the fruity replacement for the 'Motherfuckers ' with which Eddie Murphy peppered his dialogue in the Beverly Hills Cop movies.

Robocop has loads of cuts, plus the best bit of dubbing ever where the guy in the corner shop shouts "why me? why me?" while shooting Robocop!

The Shrek 2 headbutt is interesting, I remember reading that Spider-Man 2 had a single headbutt removed to take it from a 15 to a 12. I guess headbutts incur the wrath of the BBFC!

Repo Man's "Flip you, melon farmer!"
The original and still the best...

"He's not my friend, he's a FUNKING IDIOT!"

Was that ever actually used? Or did they just do it for the DVD?

The edited for cable version of Mallrats is epic, as the person doing the voice dubbing for Jay is... not Jay, not from New Jersey, actually from Georgia, and completely awful. Considering every other word of Jay's dialogue is offensive language, literally half the movie changes.

Seb: I think they said it was for an aeroplane version, but I don't know if it was actually used, ever.

You missed out Midnight Run! It's virtually incoherent, they change so much dialogue.

Yeah I'm suddenly reminded of how awful the Beverly Hills Cop 2 edit was... fucking ITV. The one that always sticks for me is Aliens and Ripley announcing that "you don't see them frigging each other over for a god damn percentage"... Aliens frigging each other? A dubious concept.

Midnight Run and The Hard Way are unwatchable in those pre-watershed hacked-up versions.

Brilliant brilliant article.

I, like Simon, remember the Harry Enfield sketch which was pure genius.

'Did you FUN my wife?'

'No I didn't FUN your wife.'

Another couple spring to mind...

True Lies: In the car, Arnie smashes the motor-mouthed salesman in the face with the back of his fist, knocking him out cold, before the camera blinks back to reality and shows he only imagined himself doing so. This is cut for the video release, let alone TV.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: I watched this on video, wondering what all the fuss was about. I found out years later that an incredibly harshly cut (no pun intended) had replaced the controversial initial release.

Ooh, how about edited-for-TV TV? That episode of Buffy where Spike's mocking Giles and says his life goes like "Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea" and it gets cut to "Cup of tea, cup of tea, cup of tea" springs to mind.

Smokey and the Bandit...."You Scum-Bum"!!!!!

In the U.S. my all-time favorites were "Animal House" and "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" with edits and dubs too numerous to mention.

You missed a big one. Purple Rain. Whenever they show the scene when Prince is singing Darling Nikki and there is a "naughty word" like masturbate, the sound of the crowd cheering rises up and drowns the lyrics out.

i remember aliens and robocop being on. they were so badly edited it was unbelievable. The voices in them were awful. most noticibly Vasquez (if memory serves) saying about nuking the whole frigging nest. And robocop was really bad when dick jones corners bob in the toilets.
I used to call the old man funny names, iron butt, boner. once i even called him 'AIR HEAD' That was so bad lol. the editing team should have been shot for that crap really.

I once saw Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke on COmedy Central. It was like an hour long and somehow, they not only removed all the language and sex, but every single drug reference. How was that even possible? Who expected to watch a Cheech and Chong movie and not see or hear a reference a single joint. Total waste of an hour and needless to say, it made no sense whatsoever.

On the American TV version of Smokey and the Bandit there is a Overdub of when the Sheriff says "Nice Ass" which was overdubbed by tellephone as "nice lady" and the resulting dub sounds like it was done at a McDonald's drive through. really funny.

I can top all of that.

I once saw Die Hard on TV, and heard Bruce Willis, in all his badass glory, utter these words:

"Yippee-ki-yay, Mickey-Fickey!"

I never did stop laughing...

Don't forget about JFK. I saw that on TV once and laughed until I cried. Every F-bomb in it has been changed to "fletcher." So, you have people calling each other "mother fletchers" for the duration of the film.

Best one has to be a TV screening in the early 1990s in the UK of Ghostbusters with all the ghosts edited out.

Hot Shots: Part Deux! Ironically, the TV edit of this one was more complete than the DVD release! I bought the DVD only to discover that as well as few censored lines and jokes, there is an entire sequence missing (the limo-ride and sex scene to the tune of 'I'm so excited' is excised by a jump cut to 'the morning after'). I later discovered that an uncensored DVD cut is not availble, and the old VHS copy I taped off the TV years ago is all I have to remember it by... Surely one of the big advantages of DVD is to enable us to have full uncut versions of things: if you are going to release a PG cut for the kids, have the decency to release the regular cut for us adults!

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