This isn’t a real top 10. It’s not the ten best anything, it’s not something you can debate over and it’s not even based on any true opinions. It’s a list, but it’s not a proper one. A bit like how a DTV sequel isn’t a proper sequel.

Ham-fisted introductions aside, the recent DoG article about DTV sequels got a smirk from me. I don’t generally watch these films (with the exception of Wrong Turn 2, which I hated) but I love to keep up with what ones are coming out because they often seem to defy logic. Surely no one is going to watch an eighth Hellraiser sequel, are they? Well, apparently they are. They’re going to watch a third Lost Boys movie and even a follow on to Walk Tall. So if people are willing to watch just any old DTV nonsense, how about some of this DTV nonsense?

10. Footloose 2: Looser Than Ever
Like many a DTV sequel before it, this would draw more from the story of the previous film than of the actual characters. This time Kevin Bacon (who makes a cameo) has a nephew (played by someone from High School: The Musical) who is living in New York City, where the mayor (played by Steven Seagal) has outlawed dance. It’s up to the nephew and his group of friends (an artist, a jock, a rapper, a girl with a troubled past and the mayors daughter) to prove to the mayor that if they can all dance and join together everything will be okay. Would also feature a bloody hip R n’ B soundtrack.

9. Menace 2 Society 2
This one sounds more like a score draw than a feature film. Menace 2 Society 2 would not follow the story or the characters or even really the message the original film. Rather, it would just be set somewhere similar and be really, really violent. It’ll be the story of two drug dealers, one of whom aspires to being a rapper, the other aiming to being a gangster kingpin. They grow apart a little, get in to gun fights with rival ‘crews’ and eventually have some kind of falling out before making up again. The cast would be loaded with rappers who would contribute to a bloody hip gangsta rap soundtrack. Steven Seagal will play a cop who is always one step behind the main characters.

8. Big Trouble in Little China 2
I’ve opted for another important element of the DTV sequel here; recasting. This time the hero will be played by Steven Seagal and the sidekick will be played by, well, I’m sure Dennis Dun would actually be available and quite happy for the work. This entry into the series would find Jack Burton helping an army of insurgents fighting against a corrupt local government. In the finale he would use a jetpack and fight a ninja robot. Sound familiar? That’s because I’ve stolen the plot from Robocop 3.

7. The Good, The Bad and the Ugly 2: Gooder, Badder and Uglier
With Steven Seagal taking over for Clint Eastwood as The Man with No Name. I’ve got nothing else, but the idea of Steven Seagal as a cowboy is surely enough.

6. 13 Angry Men
Carrying on from 12 Angry Men, featuring Seagal as a frustrated juror who believes that the man on trial is innocent. Given that this is set in the modern day, forensics would prove Seagal right fairly early on, meaning the rest of the movie could be spent explaining why there’s an extra juror and watching Seagal take down a gang of bank robbers who try to hold up the courtroom.

5. Hannibal Lector’s Beach Bonanza
Hannibal the Cannibal throws a beach party over a weekend for the more refined teenaged members of society. They sunbathe, play volleyball and eat Lector’s delicious barbeque. They soon start to notice their numbers dwindling and the psychopathic doctor (played here by Steven Seagal) stalks the teenagers across the beach. Would feature some nudity from all female cast members, except for the one who is on The O.C. One strongly willed young lady think she has Lector defeated, but then when she looks back the body is gone!

4. Clockwork Orange 2: Digital Menace
This sequel will see teenager X-Max and his group of friends (The Dude Droog gang) causing havoc all over town in their pimped-out cars. They also never pay for their petrol, the bastards. When X-Max, who wears make-up over his right eye, is arrested, frustrated psychologist Steven Seagal helps him break out of prison. It’s not right that he should be arrested if he doesn’t want to be. Now on the run, X-Max must rely on his break-dancing and street-racing skills in order to survive and win the heart of Laptopina, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who is a computer hacker. He wins a race of some kind, wins her heart with an outstanding victory dance and then drives off to some seriously banging tunes.

3. Barbarella 2: Sexy Space Cadets
This time a group of sexy young women (none of whom can obviously hold a candle to Bridget Fonda) go into space to battle a bunch of shitty-looking CG monsters that wouldn’t look out of place in Primeval. They would all work for the president of the galaxy, who would be played by … well, I’m sure you can guess, who has to go in and save them himself when a witch traps them in a space pod. This sequel would be a much more serious affair, as any low budget sci-fi film really does need to take itself seriously if it wants to succeed on any level.

2. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid 2
So it turns out that at the end of the original, they survived. Butch and Sundance (played by Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme) head out for some further adventures by taking on a gang of bank robbers. Butch and Sundance save the day and the cops decide that they ain’t so bad and that they shouldn’t be targeted by the police any more. If this one does well then hopefully we can get going on a sequel to The Wild Bunch. Fingers crossed.

1. Straw Dogs 2: Hoffman Goes Bananas
In this sequel, Dustin Hoffman (played by Steven Seagal) has traded his wife in for a younger model. They head out into the woods so he can get back to work on his fractions and long division, only to find the house set upon by surly locals. Fortunately, Hoffman has spent his time since the last movie learning to be a ninja and stockpiling weapons. He arms his new lady friend (who happened to be sunbathing at the time and so spends the rest of the film in a bikini) with a couple of pistols and they have a massive shootout with the intruders. Sam Peckinpah would no doubt be thrilled with this sequel, were he alive to see it.

22 direct to DVD movie sequels currently in production