10 serial killers to snuggle with

Imagine yourself tucked up in bed at night, sheet under your chin, teddy bear under your arm... no, wait! That's not a teddy bear! ARGHHHH!

Sarah Dobbs

In any long-running film franchise, it's the elements that stay the same that become iconic. In horror movies, that's usually the baddie. So while you may not remember, for example, any of the victims from Nightmare on Elm Street 5, you damn well remember Freddy Krueger! Thus, when it comes to merchandising, it makes sense to go with the most recognisably elements. It's all fair enough, until someone designs cuddly toys based on serial killers. I can't quite decide whether these are awesome, or terrifying, but nonetheless, here are 10 baddies to cuddle up at night with:

10. Freddy Krueger
Nope, that wasn't a hypothetical example above: there really is a cuddly Freddy you can buy. He's, er, not very cute. Actually, he's quite scary, despite being a plush toy. How does that work?

9. Jaws
Don't most sensible people have a deep and abiding fear of sharks? The kind of fear that would stop you wanting to cuddle one? Just to make it worse, this particular cuddly shark plays the Jaws theme tune. Relaxing!

8. Ming the Merciless
Emperor Ming. The Merciless. Clue's in the name, isn't it? He's an evil dictator! How cuddly are dictators, usually? (He's cuter than Freddy, though, I'll give him that.)

7. Baby Cthulhu
Why is it that Lovecraft's fictional monster which was supposed to represent extreme evil and horror and general nastiness has come to be regarded so affectionately? Okay, I'm not made of stone, this is cute. Awwwww.

6. Alien facehugger
Getting back on track, though, this is terrifying. Even if you haven't seen Alien or don't recognise it, the bloody thing looks ... just ... urrrrghhh. Get it away!

5. Jason Voorhees
Now you can relive Freddy vs Jason from the safety of your own bed! ... No? No-one? Okay, then. Forget I spoke. *whistles*

4. The Black Death
Not from any particular movie, but this cute little fuzzy microbe was just begging to be on this list. This might be the perfect example of how you can make anything - even a plague that causes oozing boils - cute by applying fur and big shiny eyes. Awwww. (N.B. Along with being the cutest thing on this list, it's also the most deadly killer, with a kill count of over 25 million. Suck on that, Krueger!)

3. Chucky
Chucky gets this far up the list because the whole POINT of Chucky was that he was a kid's toy. He's a crazed, battered, murdering doll. And now you can own one! Er, that doesn't really seem like a good idea, does it? Does it come with guaranteed nightmares?

2. Saw puppet
Yeah, and this one seems like an even worse idea. That's on the verge of being seriously creepy. Sod it, that IS seriously creepy. If you go round someone's house and they've got one of these... well, I'm not sure it's a good idea, is all I'm saying.

1. Darth Vader
Possibly the ultimate screen badass: now cute, cuddly, and squishy! Let's forget all that genocide, and just snuggle. Awww.

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01/05/08

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by Robmac on May 1, 2008

re: screams and screams until he's sick - that would be terrifying and the most scary hideous doll of them all... a Bonny Langford doll.. the terror!

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by DuncanMonkey on May 1, 2008

But, but I WANT A BATEMAN NOW! *screams and screams until he's sick*

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by Norton77 on May 1, 2008

The second toy my little boy was given was the SAW plush thingy. He loves it.

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by Matt on May 1, 2008

Duncan, that's exactly what you said when we go you the cuddly Hannibal Lector, but you never play with it anymore.

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by DuncanMonkey on May 1, 2008

I've decided I want a cuddly Patrick Bateman. I would take it everywhere with me and love it.

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by Spidergirl on May 1, 2008

Aha! Yes, they are quite different. And cool. You can see how they'd morph into the same thing in my head, though...

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by Matt on May 1, 2008

I just looked them up, they were called Big Screen Bears. Bearz Inc do look cool, mind.

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by Spidergirl on May 1, 2008

Were they Bearz Inc? They do Marvel Bearz -- we have Punisher and Galactus ones.

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by Matt on May 1, 2008

Did anyone ever see the movie-themed bears they did a year or two ago? They had Vincent and Jules from Pulp Fiction, The Bride from Kill Bill, Pinhead from Hellraiser and Jay and Silent Bob. They were cool.

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by DuncanMonkey on May 1, 2008

I've never understood the appeal of a furry facehugger, there simply isn't a way to make a facehugger that wouldn't involve body fluids escaping! I do like the fact that you can buy your kids their own cuddly child murderer though... Ha and there is a Giger alien and a predator to boot.

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by cjlines on May 1, 2008

Hahaha. That's great. I so want the Jigsaw one.

HELLO FRIENDS.

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by Matt on May 1, 2008

Brilliant. I've always quite wanted the shark from Jaws but have never been able to convince myself that buying it would be a good idea.

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by moakle on May 1, 2008

Brilliant article - made me cough up my tea! I'm loving the cuddly Black Death in particular. Amazing

Re: 10 serial killers to snuggle with

Posted by twosheds on May 1, 2008

Great piece! Wonder if there's a cuddly Giger alien anywhere...?

Cuddly Krueger

Cuddly Krueger

Cuddly Jaws

Cuddly Jaws

Cuddly Ming

Cuddly Ming

Cuddly Cthulhu

Cuddly Cthulhu

Cuddly Facehugger

Cuddly Facehugger

Cuddly Jason

Cuddly Jason

Cuddly Black Death

Cuddly Black Death

Cuddly Chucky

Cuddly Chucky

Cuddly Saw

Cuddly Saw

Cuddly Darth Vader

Cuddly Darth Vader