The Crawling Ear column: Weezer's Red Album cover renders me useless

James has come over all wobbly after seeing the cover for the new Weezer album. Sensitive types might want to avoid this...

James Greene Jnr

I’m afraid to report I can’t complete my column this week as I have been incapacitated by this picture.

It’s the cover to the new Weezer album, another self-titled venture set to drop June 16.

Upon viewing this image yesterday I was stricken with a strange and serious paralysis, one that left me unable to complete the most simple of tasks. Forget about operating a computer keyboard – I can’t even dress myself. I am currently laying in bed, dictating this passage to my roommate and general caretaker Rainbow Bunnell. Rainbow is a licensed healer and he assures me a few days in bed with plenty of fluids will help me overcome my ailment.

This is not the first time an album cover has felled me. I remember all too well the crippling leg pain Beck’s Mellow Gold gave me. Danzig 4 induced acute paranoia and night terrors (I still refuse to be in the same room with that record after midnight). Master P’s Ghetto Postage brought on a severe depression, one I was only lifted out of after the unexpected success of the rapper’s kid-friendly TV show “Romeo!” That was a rough year and half.

Less any complications, I shall return next week with an all new Crawling Ear. Should you be feeling any unusual sensations yourself after viewing this image – dizziness, nausea, tingling in the extremeties, general disorientation – consult your healer/physician/spiritual guide immediately. This is not something to be taken lightly. Dubious album art has killed before and it will kill again.

I must go back to sleep now. The disembodied voice of Norman Fell is commanding me to go out and buy cowboy spurs. Until next time, faithful readers.

James Greene's Crawling Ear will be back next Wednesday; read his last column here.

14/05/08

Re: The Crawling Ear column: Weezer's Red Album cover renders me useless

Posted by moakle on May 14, 2008

I agree that Weezer have never hit the heights of Pinkerton, and probably never will, but I don't think that's just down to Matt Sharp leaving. I just think that, and the Blue album, were absolute classics. Everything since then was bound to pale in comparison. Also, is Rivers really as pissed off with the world/messed up as he was back then? I do think Scott Shriner looks really out of place in general though.

Re: The Crawling Ear column: Weezer's Red Album cover renders me useless

Posted by RonHogan on May 14, 2008

Then why do The Rentals have that catchy quirkiness that Weezer doesn't these days, if Matt Sharp didn't bring something other than bass and falsetto to the band?

Re: The Crawling Ear column: Weezer's Red Album cover renders me useless

Posted by cjlines on May 14, 2008

Seb: I have heard The Greatest Man. I hated it. :( It sounds like bloody Queen or something awful like that.

Ron: Matt Sharp isn't really the issue. He just happened to be in Rivers Cuomo's band back when they were good. The problem is that Rivers is mad in the bad way now, whereas before he was mad in the good way. :(

Re: The Crawling Ear column: Weezer's Red Album cover renders me useless

Posted by RonHogan on May 14, 2008

I like how only one of them looks like he should actually be in Weezer. Can we PLEASE get Matt Sharp back in this fucking band before shit like this makes me throw out my copy of Pinkerton?

Re: The Crawling Ear column: Weezer's Red Album cover renders me useless

Posted by moakle on May 14, 2008

I'd go with genius, tinged with the threat of lunacy. For ages I didn't know if Pork and Beans was a throwaway tune or a slice of pop gold. I've now decided it's amazing. Cannot wait for the album.

Re: The Crawling Ear column: Weezer's Red Album cover renders me useless

Posted by SebPatrick on May 14, 2008

Have you heard "The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived" yet? It's basically the aural equivalent of that cover. I still can't decide if it's absolute genius, or dementedly appalling lunacy. It's probably both.

Re: The Crawling Ear column: Weezer's Red Album cover renders me useless

Posted by cjlines on May 14, 2008

The Weezer cover is like a really bad joke but still not as bad as the songs I've heard from the album. :(

What's wrong with Beck's "Mellow Gold" cover? I love that.

Re: The Crawling Ear column: Weezer's Red Album cover renders me useless

Posted by moakle on May 14, 2008

I rather like this cover actually. Rivers Cuomo has always been, shall we say, slightly unhinged and I think his attire on this cover is amazing. If nothing else, it's better than the Make Believe cover.