The Crawling Ear column: Weezer's Red Album cover renders me useless

I’m afraid to report I can’t complete my column this week as I have been incapacitated by this picture.

It’s the cover to the new Weezer album, another self-titled venture set to drop June 16.

Upon viewing this image yesterday I was stricken with a strange and serious paralysis, one that left me unable to complete the most simple of tasks. Forget about operating a computer keyboard – I can’t even dress myself. I am currently laying in bed, dictating this passage to my roommate and general caretaker Rainbow Bunnell. Rainbow is a licensed healer and he assures me a few days in bed with plenty of fluids will help me overcome my ailment.

This is not the first time an album cover has felled me. I remember all too well the crippling leg pain Beck’s Mellow Gold gave me. Danzig 4 induced acute paranoia and night terrors (I still refuse to be in the same room with that record after midnight). Master P’s Ghetto Postage brought on a severe depression, one I was only lifted out of after the unexpected success of the rapper’s kid-friendly TV show “Romeo!” That was a rough year and half.

Less any complications, I shall return next week with an all new Crawling Ear. Should you be feeling any unusual sensations yourself after viewing this image – dizziness, nausea, tingling in the extremeties, general disorientation – consult your healer/physician/spiritual guide immediately. This is not something to be taken lightly. Dubious album art has killed before and it will kill again.

I must go back to sleep now. The disembodied voice of Norman Fell is commanding me to go out and buy cowboy spurs. Until next time, faithful readers.

James Greene's Crawling Ear will be back next Wednesday; read his last column here.