Nostalgia prompted me to download the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles soundtrack the other day. Surely you remember that 1990 film, the live action blockbuster that spawned a Vanilla Ice-flavored sequel and a time travel-themed threequel. Without it, I’m certain the kids of today would have no TMNT, the masturbatory CGI exercise that came out last year. Hell, I’m fairly certain without the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, there’d be no Sideways (there’s logic in that statement somewhere).

ANYWAY (thank you, Chuck Klosterman, for this wonderful literary device), the Ninja Turtles soundtrack. It’s basically just a 1990 pop rap sampler, with the exception of the semi-dark “Turtle Power” by Partners in Kryme. That song was also the album’s “hit,” which is strange because it contains a lyrical fuck-up so insane I can’t believe Turtle fans didn’t rise up in protest and burn down the studio where it was recorded. I refer, of course, to the line “Raphael, he’s the leader of the group.”

That line is such an abomination, so blatantly and embarrassingly false, it still makes me want to break every window in the house all these years later. The de facto Ninja Turtle in charge has always been Leonardo, in the comics, the cartoon series, and especially the movie for which this song was written. Although Raphael plays a large role in the film, never does he belay his cool but rude personality to lead his shelled brethren supreme. It’s almost as if Partners in Kryme were watching a whole different Ninja Turtles (possibly one in which every character accidentally refers to Leonardo as Raphael and vice versa). I will also accept the possibility that they were taking heroic amounts of drugs while recording “Turtle Power.”

Thanks to this confusion of the TMNT hierarchy, “Turtle Power” is forever marred, nearly impossible for any true Turtle fan to enjoy. Partners in Kryme quickly disappeared after their TMNT-related success; they remain MIA to this day. Assuming they spend at least a small portion of their days Googling their own name, let me address the members of PIK personally: guys, what’s up? Were you too high when you recorded “Turtle Power” to hear your own goof? Did you just not care? I bet the check you got from New Line was pretty fat. Until you explain yourselves, apologize for hurting the Ninja Turtle legacy, and rerecord the track fixing the error and adding an extra verse covering Super Shredder, Krang, and Baxter Stockman, you’re dead to me.