These things are actually easier to come up with than those picture reviews I turned in a few weeks ago. Those sumuvabitches required a hefty amount of Google image searching. I don’t have to click anything for these haikus – they just pour out of my noggin like so much bong water. Am I gifted? I like to think so, but my manager at Slim’s Vintage Arcade & Nudie Theater has a differing opinion.

Black Flag – Loose Nut

When Flag went metal
they really, really, really
really went metal.

Bum Kon – Drunken Sex Sucks

Just as intense as
the mass murderer they took
their awesome name from.

Motörhead – Bomber

“Dead Men Tell No Tales”
and the killer title track.
The rest? I say meh.

The Nobodys – GreatAssTits

Over fifty songs
about guns, sex, violence
I’m ‘bout it ‘bout it.

Off With Their Heads – From The Bottom

This is the band I
think those poseurs from Rancid
wished they could be (diss).

The Queers – Beyond The Valley Of The Assfuckers

Aside from title
and weak production, Beyond
is close to classic

Sugar Ray – Floored

This is exactly
what nineteen ninety seven
felt and sounded like

James writers the Crawling Ear every Wednesday at Den Of Geek. Last week's is here.