It was only a matter of time before I ran out of targets and turned on myself and my own column

If he finds repetitive films about torture so distasteful then perhaps it might have been a good idea to fuck off and stand up for principals five pissing years ago

If it had been up to me, the film would have been called ‘If I'd Known What You Did Last Summer I'd Have Rented Something Else'.

It's like someone putting a white coat and glasses on a dog and people being outraged when it turns out not to be a real scientist.

The last thing I need is a cold-hearted computer program passively mocking me by accurately reporting what I'm watching.

Here’s an idea, if a boat is powering towards you at speed, why not, even if just as a precautionary measure, get out of the fucking way.

I can't really believe that I'm saying this in a Confused Views column, but spoilers for Marley And Me lie ahead.

There is literally nothing Clint couldn't tell me to do if he growled it at me like that.

It seems as though there's a big scrap on this year for who can spend the most money on turning out the crappiest film

Randy the Ram was a mess, but he wasn't a shit-flinging nutcase, which is an avenue they may look to explore in a sequel