I would like to make an announcement.

I thought that I had seen the worst that the film industry has to offer. Really. I have been assaulted by literally days' worth of wafer-thin plots, unnecessary gore, sex scenes forced in with a crowbar, and acting that would embarrass a GCSE Drama student. I've watched movies that appeared to be two-hour-long homages to the word 'fuck'. I've seen set-pieces that were constructed on a Conference League manager's tactics board. I've sat through Swept Away by Guy Ritchie. I know bad films.

But I always maintain the idea that life has little left which could possibly surprise me, which is why I spend half my days in a semi-stupefied state of disbelief. In the case of Lilith, it is completely stupefied. It is beyond disbelief. It is without words. It took me five minutes after the end to even start writing.

It is an affront to the dignity of both you, the reader, and me, the reviewer, that I now have to tell you about this film. It's some shit about some girls who go on a Catholic retreat, manage to call up the spirit of Adam's first wife Lilith (whoops) and end up in all kinds of unholy trouble. It starts off looking like it might go down the softcore route. It ends by turning into a cataclysm of brutality, rape, forced incest, flagellation, psuedo-religious drivel and...oh, I can't even remember. I've blocked it out.

The production values are so sporadic that half the dialogue sounds like it was dubbed in someone's living room. The actors make the kids in your child's nativity play look like BAFTA nominees. And the story...who knows? Rumour has it the plot sacrificed itself to the devil before it could inflict any more damage on the world. It all boils down to some basic tenets in no particular order: lesbianism is evil, witchcraft is evil, the clergy are evil, thought is evil, anyone wearing religious garb is secretly fighting depraved thoughts but still acting on them, everyone else is quite happy with their depraved thoughts and is regularly acting on them, and all of this is entertaining enough to present to an audience.

It's so bad that it's not even good.

I actually would have been far happier if this HAD been a softcore porn film. It starts out with all the traits: a group of women in a repressive situation, a stupid storyline that's been scrambled for maximum nudity purposes, crashing hints of girl-on-girl 'action' on its way, and dire camera work. It really does look like it's going to be a late-night Channel 5 outing. But then it starts with the nonsense, and in the last fifteen minutes it squeezes in so much nasty and sometimes downright unpleasant material that anyone who was settling in for a sex flick will feel completely violated. Oh yes, and so will everybody else.

I only paid any attention to this because one of the characters looked a bit like a colleague of mine and another appeared to be Carmela out of Neighbours. I don't know whether it is her, but if it is she's using a pseudonym and I can't bloody blame her. There is not a single redeeming feature to be found anywhere here.

If it wants to be a teen film, it's too unpleasant. If it wants to be a horror, it's too slow. If it wants to be a softcore porn film, there isn't enough porn.

That's because what this is is an EPIC FAIL. God help us all.